I have totally obsessed with this song for the last 2 -3 months. I have listened to every artist I could find that recorded this song. My favorite being the soulful and lulling rendition done by Guy Forsyth. When that man does Gospel I feel connected to the spirit. I couldn't find a Guy Video, so I offer up a close 2nd by K.D. Lang.
This last year has been a slow evolution into my own HaIlelujah. Hallelujah has many meanings, but the one I refer to here is a more modern version. As defined on a Wikipedia page, "Hallelujah is an expression of happiness that a thing hoped or waited for has happened." I have begun to notice I am achieving a personal transformation of thinking. I have begun to understand that I have stopped what if-ing. I quit (almost) being absent in my life. I ceased thinking everything is my fault.
More importantly I starting thinking, why not? Why not me? What might I do with this life of mine? I have quit being overwhelmed by my life, my schedule, my duties. I am a very busy engaged person. Busy doesn't work, because I have a lot of down time being a single lady with grown children. But my down time is engaging to me. I don't have cable TV so my unscheduled time isn't usually empty time. I can lay low with the best of them. But I I have a lot of passions.
When my job and home duties collide my old MO was to obsess while I was hurrying through a list of needs. Now I just tell myself "well self you are busy doing X, Y, and Z and you are still nagging?". Really how crazy is that? So if I get it done faster, all the while hating the process, that is better? Now I just think, I am going to wash these dishes and I am going to listen to some good music while I do it. When I finish something, I tell myself thank you in a sorta kinda way. Every piece of life (just about) is a treasure with the right point of view.
I have begun to Appreciate my life. I have had a lot of unexpected expenses these last 2 months. I have put out almost $4000 dollars. My savings are in dire straights. I have put pen to paper and fingertips to calculator and have begun to address this depletion as well as other fiscal agendas. I have stayed home a lot, bought little and been very happy. I realize this constraining in one part of my life will open up the boundaries in other areas. So, WOW, I have been broke and have enjoyed it to some extent.
I have quit taking on the wrongs in every situation. Wrongs that I believe now were mostly of my own perception. This has been an amazing Grace I have given myself. I have had several awards and recognitions at work. They speak not to my formally educated skill set, but to my passion, my kindnesses, my compassion. I have noticed I am more approachable. I have more staff and clients greeting me when I pass. I see more smiling faces when I look up. I have been good at what I do, but not necessarily good at how I do it. I have been too direct. I have been too driven by task and not by need. I have learned, there is nothing perfect about perfection. Understanding this has allowed for forgiveness. True forgiveness. I wonder how many people get to experience that. I have ... Hallelujah!
I just quit doing things that made me have bad feelings. It wasn't like I thought it all through, I didn't. I started a couple of years ago going over my day each (or most) evening(s). I guess along the way, I did more of what felt good and less of those things I didn't like. I look back now and think .... WOW what a big chasm I have crossed. I never saw it formed as a plan or a direction. It seems to have happened without cognition. I have journaled for years and always wished (literally) that I would have appreciation, that I would be present in my life and I would be more of the person I know I can be. I find myself in this place I have hoped for, finally!
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
