Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Hallelujah - K.D. Lang

 
 
I have totally obsessed with this song for the last 2 -3 months.  I have listened to every artist I could find that recorded this song.  My favorite being the soulful and lulling rendition done by Guy Forsyth.  When that man does Gospel I feel connected to the spirit.  I couldn't find a Guy Video, so I offer up a close 2nd by K.D. Lang. 
 
This last year has been a slow evolution into my own HaIlelujah.  Hallelujah has many meanings, but the one I refer to here is a more modern version.  As defined on a Wikipedia page, "Hallelujah is an expression of happiness that a thing hoped or waited for has happened."  I have begun to notice I am achieving a personal transformation of thinking.  I have begun to understand that I have stopped what if-ing.  I quit (almost) being absent in my life.  I ceased thinking everything is my fault. 
 
More importantly I starting thinking, why not?  Why not me?  What might I do with this life of mine?  I have quit being overwhelmed by my life, my schedule, my duties.  I am a very busy engaged person.  Busy doesn't work, because I have a lot of down time being a single lady with grown children.  But my down time is engaging to me.  I don't have cable TV so my unscheduled time isn't usually empty time. I can lay low with the best of them.  But I  I have a lot of passions. 
 
When my job and home duties collide my old MO was to obsess while I was hurrying through a list of needs.  Now I just tell myself "well self you are busy doing X, Y, and Z and you are still nagging?".  Really how crazy is that?  So if I get it done faster, all the while hating the process, that is better?  Now I just think, I am going to wash these dishes and I am going to listen to some good music while I do it. When I finish something, I tell myself thank you in a sorta kinda way.  Every piece of life (just about) is a treasure with the right point of view.
 
I have begun to Appreciate my life.  I have had a lot of unexpected expenses these last 2 months.  I have put out almost $4000 dollars.  My savings are in dire straights.  I have put pen to paper and fingertips to calculator and have begun to address this depletion as well as other fiscal agendas.  I have stayed home a lot, bought little and been very happy.  I realize this constraining in one part of my life will open up the boundaries in other areas.  So, WOW, I have been broke and have enjoyed it to some extent. 
 
I have quit taking on the wrongs in every situation.  Wrongs that I believe now were mostly of my own perception.  This has been an amazing Grace I have given myself.  I have had several awards and recognitions at work.  They speak not to my formally educated skill set, but to my passion, my kindnesses, my compassion.  I have noticed I am more approachable.  I have more staff and clients greeting me when I pass.  I see more smiling faces when I look up.  I have been good at what I do, but not necessarily good at how I do it.  I have been too direct.  I have been too driven by task and not by need. I have learned, there is nothing perfect about perfection.  Understanding this has allowed for forgiveness.  True forgiveness.  I wonder how many people get to experience that.  I have ... Hallelujah!
 
 I just quit doing things that made me have bad feelings.  It wasn't like I thought it all through, I didn't.  I started a couple of years ago going over my day each (or most) evening(s).  I guess along the way, I did more of what felt good and less of those things I didn't like.  I look back now and think .... WOW what a big chasm I have crossed.   I never saw it formed as a plan or a direction. It seems to have happened without cognition.  I have journaled for years and always wished (literally) that I would have appreciation, that I would be present in my life and I would be more of the person I know I can be.  I find myself in this place I have hoped for, finally!
 
Hallelujah
 
Hallelujah 
 
Hallelujah
 
 
 
 

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