ABC - Jackson 5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-aSjHnbw18




This song is one of my earliest of my own choosing.  Up until ABC, my music was that which was passed to me by my parents.  I owned the 45 and knew all the words.  This song takes me back to a very carefree period in my life.  It never occurred to me then, that I would have to learn to know who I was.  My life is more complicated now.   To help me sleep at night I have been making lists in my head.  I recently started trying to make a list of my top 5 movies.


I have had the most lively debate in my head, paring down a long list of favorites.  It would seem making the list taught me much about myself.  Well, four months later...I have a firm top 5.


 I have had a good time with this endeavor.  I watched several of my favorite movies again.  It has helped me be my own friend.  I have dissected what I loved about each.  It is as if I have written an essay in my head about the themes, music, places and people in each.  I have championed the cause in each movie and I have felt privileged to watch the stories unfold. 




After much thought my top 5 are as follows:






1. Out of Africa.  I have loved this movie since I saw it when it opened in 1978.  Now that I have been to many of the places in the movie...I love it more.  I have a love for Africa because of this movie.  It gave me the courage to see it for myself.  I plan to return there as part of my retirement plan.  I loved the strength of the main character.  I felt her flaws as my own.  I had no idea the day I saw this movie for the first time, that I would fly to Africa...all by myself...and live an adventure. 






2. The Color Purple.  I love a tale of strength among women.  I love their loyalty to each other.  I love the narration.  I admire the hope that the women have in the face of adversity.  The way the story is woven, I  witnessed women making their own peace in their souls.  It made me realize, I could confront my own, albeit lessor challenges.












3. The Shawshank Redemption.  This movie was all about the relationships of men.  That is a rarity for me.  I tend to gravitate towards movies about women, strong women.  Ahhh, but I loved this movie.  I will say I love their loyalty, their bond.  They were men living in a tough environment, but they related to each other with all the love and strength of women.  I loved the narration in this movie as well.  I loved the audacity of hope... the humanity in such an abrasive environment.






4. My Cousin Vinny.  You can't go deep with this movie.  It made me howl.  There are a million little plots in this movie.  Sometimes, you just need to be dazzled with witty-sharp dialogue.  For good measure there is the hairdresser-car mechanic heroine who saves the day.  What is there not to
love.





5. The Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio.  I think I like the story this movie tells the most.  I think it is important to remember why women fought for equal rights.  More importantly I was proud of way the mother fought for her cubs.  The mother was a gentle giant.  I was watching this movie and heard a line that made me lift my head in attention.  The mother tells her husband..."I don't need you to make me happy, I just need you to leave me alone when I am".  That line describes the state of my marriage, just before it fell.  We all think we want someone to make us happy.  I don't think that anymore.  I want someone who won't make me unhappy.  I am responsible for my own happiness.






I know this list is a trivial thing of little importance; but I enjoyed this journey.    I have been thinking about what I do in life that makes me happy.  Looking at these stories I thought of the days I was taking classes in literature.  I love looking at the mechanics of a story as much as the story it's self.  I would love a degree in women's studies, for no other reason than the joy of doing it.  Do I have a new bucket list item?  






Sometimes you have to spend time with yourself.  I found out mundane thoughts gave me a good look inward.  Sometimes in life, you can be your own best friend.   It is as simple as ABC, 1 2 3.

Love Is A Verb

Love Is A Verb - John Mayer

 

 

 

 

You can listen to this song, sing the words a 100 times, yet never really hear it.  Well at least I had done just that.  Then this year went into a tailspin.  It was an ah ha moment when I saw love actively being lived all around me.  It was actions big and small. The love around me wasn't spoken, it was kinetic.  People were with me 24- SEVEN, looking out for me when I was not present.  I have a month of my life that is known to me only by their words.  They fought the battles, they held my hand, kept my dog, watered my plants, helped me stand, bathed me, eventually took me home, took me to the grocery, to doctor after doctor, and brought the world in to me for the weeks I was homebound.

 

Love is a verb, it ain't a thing.  I needed all the verbs you can name.  It was a hug, a phone call, a shoulder to cry on, an arm to lean on.  My friends, my family all showed me, love ain't a thing, love is a verb.

 

So I think I will ponder a while...is the love I give a thing ........or a verb?

Sunday Moring Coming Down

Sunday Morning Coming Down - Johnny Cash and Kris Kristofferson

 

 

 

 

Well first I love this song, but it isn't Sunday morning coming down the way I like it.  I am a morning person. I am not hung over or lonely.  I like to wake up, have a cup of coffee, listen to some music and just love the possibilities of a day yet to be lived.  Sunday mornings are best.  It seems that on Saturday I am still in a grind mode.  There are things to be done and you're still a little shell-shocked from the work week.  Saturday you dis-engage from labor.  On Sunday, you re-engage yourself.  By Sunday I am ready to just meander quietly in spirit.  But I don't usually get a Sunday morning

 

I spend Saturday night away from home.  I wake up in a different bed on Sunday mornings.  It is at the home of another and they sleep late and the house is small.  So I usually just lay in bed and read or do computer work.  Ahhh but thanks to a change of in routine, I got to wake up in my own home, with my guest in a back bedroom and me able to just meander.  I sat in my chair and watched a movie, while I enjoyed the most delicious cup of Vietnamese coffee and a bit of blackberry cobbler.  I listened to music on my I pad/ portable speaker in the sun.  I cooked dinner in my fire pit.  I wrote some letters.    It was a divine morning.  The first Sunday morning I have had at home in a couple of years.

 

I treasured it.  I have decided to see that I get a few more Sunday mornings at home. Funny how such ordinary things can be so defining.  I felt like I woke up a bit today.  I realized I had given away something I love.  Sunday mornings have a purpose for me.  Today, I made the decision to make more Sunday mornings come down my way.  Thank you 2014 for my first gift.  

Time Passages

Time Passages - Al Stewart






I feel nostalgic tonight.  I am not sure why the past is on my mind but it is.  Not a melancholy sort of thing, but a question really.  I find myself wondering tonight why I didn't notice important events.  Why when you live life do you miss the big, little moments?

My children are grown, not a part of my daily life for years. I wonder how did the last time I packed a diaper bag go un-noticed.  When did I last tie a shoe for them.  With our roles reversed this summer as they cared for me, I realized for the first time ever, I was not the leader.  It occurs to me that I let go of little pieces of my leadership role one piece at a time...yet I don't remember doing it.  When did I rock them each last?  In that moment that I didn't conceive .... did I appreciate what I was about to give up?  I mean was I connected or was I worried about dinner. 

So it makes me ask myself today...what might I regret not noticing in my life currently?  I am going to think about that!

Tell Me Why - Norah Jones

Tell Me Why

 

 

 

 

 

The first line in this song describes my life. "Sailing hardships through broken harbors out on the waves in the night"  I am still trying to make my way back from 5 weeks in ICU with a ventilator stent thrown in for good measure.  To be honest I have done well.  It has been a slow steady progression back to normal.  No real one step forward, half a step back sorta thing.  I am in my 4th month of healing and most things are working well...except my energy level sucks. 

 

This is starting to sound like a terrible post...but be patient.  You can't join the celebration if you don't know the climb. 

 

So my energy level sucks.  I am used to being able to pull anything out of my ass.  Little sleep, no big deal, I will sleep later.  House needs cleaning...I will sleep a couple of hours and get up at 2 am and do it.  Let me get up and go hike with my club 8-10 miles then go out with Superman for a late date.  Hey life is short live it.  Well that sounded good, always worked before.  Why change horses in mid-stream? 

 

Sometimes you change horses when you get knocked off the one that brung ya.  So that is where I found myself, dilapidated and with little horse power.  I still don't work full time.  My yard is a mess.  My house has always been kept better than it is now. God Forbid there is clean laundry in baskets in my house.  I have never done that. Gulp.  I just don't have the energy.  So I just growl at the various undone deeds and murmur to myself.  It has been all I can do to work part time and keep my house chores in the nose-above-water level.  ahhhh....but this is a good blog!

 

Today... I actually had a bit of energy to spare and I walked on my treadmill for 3 songs.  One of them 5 min in length.  So I figure I walked about 12 or 13 minutes.  That is a big fucking deal....I had some disposable energy today!.  It is like every day I start with so many energy units and when they are gone I power down PDQ.  I recently went out to dinner with some girlfriends and fell asleep at the table. BUT today, I worked and still had a bit of energy left over.  That is so crazy good.  I wish someone would get that.  I am all ready to do a high five dance, but got no body who could wrap their head around it in my vicinity.  So I will just woo-hoo solo.

 

 

You've Got to Hold On!

Alabama Shakes

I have had my own reasons to "hold on" of late.  Some days I hold on better than others.  My recent trial has been a health challenge that ended up with 5 weeks in ICU, a ventilator and the understanding I do not fear death.  But I am ahead of myself. 

I guess the point of this blog is to process the things I have come to know during this struggle.

I am a tough old bird.  I didn't die, I fought hard through some bad days, some hard pain, some lonely lost times...to live.  I still fight, I know, it, me, life is worth fighting for. I dream of Key West with Superman, it will be sweeter than I ever thought it might have been before all of this. It is so crazy good to plan this trip, knowing I will feel better by then.  I have hope, future, anticipation and adventure yet to come.  I KNOW I APPRECIATE my toughness.

I lived a good life.  I had no epiphany thoughts of how I was going to change the way I was living.  I was living a full and happy life.  I had good job, partner, friends, adventures, truth, peace and appreciation for my life.  I still want to live in Nicaragua, but that was and is in the works and this trial only reaffirms that life is short.  I knew that.  I really know that better than most.  I think it is part of my not fearing death...I fear not living while I am alive.  I have learned I am LIVING and have been  That is an awesome thing to know.

I am loved...OMG how they helped me hold on.  I have lost spaces, weeks, memories, strength, will, reality, and self, yet they held me.  Family and friends and special ones, and sons and ex-husbands and their fiancé, and a dog, all held me. One even stepped in as an illusion of my mother and turned me round in a fog that had consumed me.  Such love from so many places.  There have been pennies from heaven ...Thanks Moma and Daddy....gone so long, yet here one more time.  I have had abundance, grace, love and support.  I have so much to hold on to.

Yeah, I am ready for all this to be over, but only so I can get back to living the life I love.  All of this has helped me remember I just need to hold on...

"You got to hold on...
Bless my heart, bless yours too...

Amost Cut My Hair - My Conflict with a Loss of Freedoms

Almost Cut My Hair - CSN&Y circa 1970

I have conflict in my soul about the world around me and my response to it.  Recently we have had yet another horrific news event- The Boston Marathon Bombing.  I know these happenings are not one dimensional, they show us at our worst (who does this stuff ) and our best (who raised the beautiful sons and daughters that stopped to render aid without thinking of self).  These events pop up and unsettle my soul.  How vain of me to only see it in sense of self.  How telling my response. 

I have lots of feelings about what has happened.  I can't process them really.  So I focus on what I can.  I think about what I want.  I think about what I have had.  I mourn the loss of outrage on some level inside my quiet moments. I feel guilty that I want to not think about it.  I want to not fix it.  I feel hopeless, lost and sad. Then, in a moment I feel determined with strength to change what I can, accept what I cannot and to understand what falls in which category. Then I feel guilty for seeing a solution that only changes it for me.  Let me explain.

My current fixation on this whole mess is about how the men where caught.  Let me start by saying how glad I am that they were caught.  Let me follow that with how conflictual the method of their capture was to me.  Let's face it, it was surveillance cameras that were vital as well as observers using their phones.  It was brought up right away how government placed camera's (Big Brother) in Europe have swiftly answered questions of who did what when.  I get that more and more camera's are going to be installed.  I am not a radical zealot, I am a liberal.  I know, I am terrible.  I know people lost their lives, limbs, loved ones.  I can't fathom all of that yet.  Please don't judge me too harshly. What I can give thought to, what I can grieve for is the loss of the life I grew up with.


1970 looks like the Wild West from today's point of view.  In 1970 you could drop out, travel across the country.  You could get a hotel without ID.   Cell phones didn't track you.  You could do anything with cash.  You could get a job.  You could go off grid in the middle of New York City, if you chose.  You could lose yourself even further in Alaska.  You didn't walk down the street fearing an out of place backpack.  I can't, don't want to wrap my head around this new way of living.  I feel powerless to stop it, change it, understand it.   I want a more peaceful life.  I want to worry about what is right in front of my face.  I want to tend my own garden and be present in my own life.  I just can't keep slicing off pieces to care about the many ills of this world.  Then I am sad.

I am sad that I no longer feel the wisdom of fighting ... for what is right.  What is right?  Who decides?  It is my belief that I have one life, this one.  My point of view does not count on a "heaven"to make this life palatable.  I am not counting on a chance to double down at a later date.  I see the best in myself, one of self-acceptance.  A life where I do not feel responsible for all the wrongs of the world.  Ah, but that sword cuts back on me.  My worst being that I don't feel responsible in some way for these wrongs.  Aren't we all responsible?

Call me Chicken Little, but I want to move to Nicaragua (or somewhere a little less "civilized") and put my head in the sand before the sky falls.  I want to help in whatever way I can, while I live a little further from the fray.  I know I am just wanting to run from all of this.  Doesn't anyone else feel like they sometimes can't feel anymore?  Or am I just choosing not to feel?  As usual, I chase my tail.

How much time, thought, energy do we give to something we feel powerless to change?  Is it okay to say enough already and leave someone else to figure it out?  If this is my only time, does it make me a bad person to "retire"from living in conflict?  Is it a wise and mature self that accepts that a Zen life is the answer?    Is a Zen point of view the pinnacle to achieve or the arrival at the intersection of Sell-Out Lane and Apathy Drive? 

Like David Crosby sang....

"When I finally get myself together
Get down in some sunny southern weather
Find a place inside to laugh
Separate the wheat from the chaff
Cause I feel like I owe it to someone"











who makes people who know nothing spew the most vile hatred without a hint of compassion, just playing like a stuck record)

I Do Do Do - But I Won't

I Do Do Do - Colbie Caillat

When I heard this song this week, I thought it fit my life which was a surprise to me on many levels.  Since I divorced I haven't been interested in marriage.  As life twists as I have found it often does, I had to come to terms about marriage, being asked, and what do I think about what being asked made me feel.

 My Superman whispered so sexily "Will you marry me" into my ear last week.  It was like silk.  The words came slow, there was a slight purr in his tone.  He had me wrapped up in his arms. It was perfect and like never before my heart stood still for a second and I had never felt so loved .  Then I whispered NO and told him how much I loved him.  Well maybe I just thought that.  I will have to ask him.  This isn''t the first time he has asked me.  This is just the first time it felt real. 

We don't want to get married.  To us we already are by your standards.  We are committed.  We have promised to stand by each other through life's biggest battles.  He will take me home should I want to die in my own bed.  To me that is the ultimate promise.  We do bills and vacations together.  We attend family functions together.  We just don't want to be trapped in legal-ness and cohabitation; our view of marriage. We get that life will change and one might need the other on a daily basis in the future and we have begun to talk about what that will look like.    We believe we have learned from our mistakes and we value our separateness as much as our togetherness. I think we are considered part of a new movement, those living apart, together or LAT's.

We live apart.  We see each other on a schedule but allow for fluctuation in our separate lives.  We negotiate, communicate and seem to navigate this relationship coherently and consciously.  That doesn't sound so romantic and I think that is what caught my heart last week.  See my Superman knows I want to co-habitat/marry less than he does.  He often will ask me to marry him.  We have an agreement, he can ask me, but I am going to say no.  But this week was different.  He ask me with such perfectness that I knew that if he/we were wanting to marry, he would be asking me.  And he would ask me just like that. 

So this week I got to have the joy that every girl has when some one she loves asks her to marry them.  It is a moment when the words are said so lovingly that you melt; they catch in your breath.  I said no in a whispered voice and could feel his smile against my cheek at my response.   Superman and I choose to go a different way.  We are always excited to be together.  We have years together and it is like we are still in those first months of dating. Yet we have developed a very deep love for the other. One that bears the confidence, security and great respect of a long mature marriage.   Yes we have learned from our mistakes.  Not just our own, but each others.

So last week I felt like I had it all.  I had all the love of being loved and all the space to continue to love him and myself.  No matter if you are 18 or or 50 + 18 don't be afraid to define your own path.  Just be happy on the the path you're on.  I love the ease of this journey.  I love the surety of it.  I feel more held at this distance than I ever did up close, bound in a marriage. 

Superman, charcoal shirt, jeans, no shoes, beach ... ask me again.  I will give you the answer I always have ... "No but I will play honeymoon". We can play honeymoon in Key West.  I hope you know how much I love you. Thank you for asking like that...so I know how wonderful it all is, on our terms. I do do do .... But I won't.  :  )



Hallelujah - K.D. Lang

 

 

I have totally obsessed with this song for the last 2 -3 months.  I have listened to every artist I could find that recorded this song.  My favorite being the soulful and lulling rendition done by Guy Forsyth.  When that man does Gospel I feel connected to the spirit.  I couldn't find a Guy Video, so I offer up a close 2nd by K.D. Lang. 

 

This last year has been a slow evolution into my own HaIlelujah.  Hallelujah has many meanings, but the one I refer to here is a more modern version.  As defined on a Wikipedia page, "Hallelujah is an expression of happiness that a thing hoped or waited for has happened."  I have begun to notice I am achieving a personal transformation of thinking.  I have begun to understand that I have stopped what if-ing.  I quit (almost) being absent in my life.  I ceased thinking everything is my fault. 

 

More importantly I starting thinking, why not?  Why not me?  What might I do with this life of mine?  I have quit being overwhelmed by my life, my schedule, my duties.  I am a very busy engaged person.  Busy doesn't work, because I have a lot of down time being a single lady with grown children.  But my down time is engaging to me.  I don't have cable TV so my unscheduled time isn't usually empty time. I can lay low with the best of them.  But I  I have a lot of passions. 

 

When my job and home duties collide my old MO was to obsess while I was hurrying through a list of needs.  Now I just tell myself "well self you are busy doing X, Y, and Z and you are still nagging?".  Really how crazy is that?  So if I get it done faster, all the while hating the process, that is better?  Now I just think, I am going to wash these dishes and I am going to listen to some good music while I do it. When I finish something, I tell myself thank you in a sorta kinda way.  Every piece of life (just about) is a treasure with the right point of view.

 

I have begun to Appreciate my life.  I have had a lot of unexpected expenses these last 2 months.  I have put out almost $4000 dollars.  My savings are in dire straights.  I have put pen to paper and fingertips to calculator and have begun to address this depletion as well as other fiscal agendas.  I have stayed home a lot, bought little and been very happy.  I realize this constraining in one part of my life will open up the boundaries in other areas.  So, WOW, I have been broke and have enjoyed it to some extent. 

 

I have quit taking on the wrongs in every situation.  Wrongs that I believe now were mostly of my own perception.  This has been an amazing Grace I have given myself.  I have had several awards and recognitions at work.  They speak not to my formally educated skill set, but to my passion, my kindnesses, my compassion.  I have noticed I am more approachable.  I have more staff and clients greeting me when I pass.  I see more smiling faces when I look up.  I have been good at what I do, but not necessarily good at how I do it.  I have been too direct.  I have been too driven by task and not by need. I have learned, there is nothing perfect about perfection.  Understanding this has allowed for forgiveness.  True forgiveness.  I wonder how many people get to experience that.  I have ... Hallelujah!

 

 I just quit doing things that made me have bad feelings.  It wasn't like I thought it all through, I didn't.  I started a couple of years ago going over my day each (or most) evening(s).  I guess along the way, I did more of what felt good and less of those things I didn't like.  I look back now and think .... WOW what a big chasm I have crossed.   I never saw it formed as a plan or a direction. It seems to have happened without cognition.  I have journaled for years and always wished (literally) that I would have appreciation, that I would be present in my life and I would be more of the person I know I can be.  I find myself in this place I have hoped for, finally!

 

Hallelujah

 

Hallelujah 

 

Hallelujah

 

 

 

 

Home - Jorge & Alexa Narvaez

Home

My afternoon started out like a slow motion walk through a war zone.  I could see the incoming in the distance.  But I decided 30 minutes ago that if I want to live in Nicaragua I will have many hit the wall moments and no one is going to be there to pick me up.  I also had confessed to my Superman that I had the funk and proceeded to just whine my ass off. 

So when I have the funk I listen to music.  I will hit a playlist on some piece of technology and wait to be saved.  I have a friend with a blog where she says her words are the little life preserver's in her world; mine are songs.  So this song popped up and before it was done, I knew I was looking at things the wrong way.

When I was in Africa I had moments of great darkness.  I had a million times more moments of great joy.  I have some issues right now in life, but it is so silly to think it is the sum of my life.  So I guess if I am going to take off and live in a far off land, I better learn that I choose my own frame of reference.

And so... I hear this song and I know... In this moment no matter how draining of a day... no matter what demands are placed on me... We will laugh until we cry on a summer's night, nothing is sweeter that when I am with you.  Thanks SUPERMAN for reminding me of the important things today!

Magnolia - Monte Montgomery

This is a song my sister laid at my feet.  She said she had a song that reminded her of me...but I am ahead of myself.  My sister has always been there.  From the time I entered the world, my sister was a part of my life. We grew up in a brick ranch with parents that took a common sense approach to parenting.  We weren't tight, we weren't close while growing up.  She sat next to me at the dinner table.  We didn't fight.  We just didn't interact...which really seems odd.  I guess sometimes you just have to wait for the things that matter.

But we are both all grown up now.  Hell our children are all grown up.  Our parents are long gone, as is the distance between us.  Some where in our lives we each just turned to the other and it has been all good from there.  My sister is amazing.  Together we could do anything.  She and I compliment each other.  Our talents are varied, but well meshed.  When we cook a Thanksgiving meal we don't really talk about it. We might work the grocery list together, but once in the kitchen ...we work like a symphony.  We just fit.  We are in-sync.

I treasure her.  She is the voice of reason in my life.  She is calm and patient, where I am not.    I trust her immensely. That is a pretty simple statement; but really it is so complex.  I am pretty hard on myself.  I am working on it.  When you trust someone completely, like I do my sister, well you can take the biggest truth without question.  Here in lies the truth of my love for her.    My sister has said some of the most precious things to me.  She says them clearly and makes me hear them.  I would normally think nothing of these words from a different speaker.  Ahhhh but my sister has my complete trust.  When she tells me ... that I am rock in times of trouble, I can lay that truth on my heart.  When she says I can go to Africa and do this thing, I know I can.  When she tells me it is okay to wobble, every one does...I feel more centered.  I love my sister, I love myself better because of my sister.  I have more love to give because I have more love for myself because of my sister. My sister helps me face the dawn knowing that I can do, I can do what the day asks of me.

I don't look back and regret that we spent our childhood disconnected.  It must have been what was needed to bring us to this place. I don't just love her, I adore her.  I asked her recently what she thought of my plan to retire early (and poor) and take off to live in Nicaragua.  She told me I could do it. I love that she knows my heart even though I desire a very different life from hers. 

I guess she knew a long time ago that I would take off to parts of the world less traveled. I dreamed last night that I lived in what appeared to be Nicaragua and my name was Annie Grace.   Like Monte sings, I am an Island girl and I walk this world anywhere the wind will take me.

Good People
Jack Johnson

 

 

 

It has been a strange couple of days.  I find myself trying to reconcile the events in Sandy Hook and I can't.  It isn't because I can't decide what I think.  It is because I can't think about it long enough to piece together a coherent string of events to ponder what it means.  I haven't even mustered up a good dose of hatred for ... him.  The only thing I can really process is this is complicated and too important to be a sound bite of opinion on social commentary.  These lives, all 28 of them, deserve better.

 

I cut myself off from news sources Friday evening.  I allowed myself about 40 minutes today to read online articles.  That included the minutes I needed between articles to turn my mind off and not think any further than the article stated. 

 

My prayers are that we ask hard questions of ourselves; that we do what is right.  The lives lost should not be in vain.  Everything should be on the table of public discourse.  EVERYTHING!  Better gun laws, better enforcement or both.  I don't know the answer, but I sure the hell don't want the NRA at this table.  We can't cheapen this conversation with lobbyist.  Mental Health Issues and treatment are welcome to the table as are the needs of the disabled, the Autistic and those that are bullied or troubled.  While we are at it lets bring the sensational news shows under the light of inspection.  "How did that make you feel" they asked.  It made me feel cheap and ashamed to watch you do this at tragedy after tragedy, on station after station, year after year.  You will broadcast anything, print anything that will get you a second's notice.  So far the only hate I feel is towards the messenger.  What about the teachers and staff?  God this is what it takes to get a little respect for the endless duty teachers are charged with everyday?  They do a million things besides teach.  More than one staff member did what was right.  A 5' 2 woman charged a man with a semi-automatic rifle.  How awesome a daughter someone raised. 

 

I can't even begin to mourn for the children.  I am lost in the many ways we will fail them.  I can't find the faith that we will get past our polarizations long enough to listen, compromise and fix what we can. I have lost my faith in our process, our dialogue, our being the greatest nation on Earth.  We are a soundbite society, in a headline world.  Walter Cronkrite where have you gone?

 

 

 

"Where did all the good people go.  We got heaps and heaps of what we sowed".

 

 

 

 

Pissed Off Blues

Pissed Off Blues

My mind has been leaning to the negative of late.  Sometimes I think I have reason for this, and sometimes I think it is something bigger than the specific events that frustrate me.  I am 50 plus 1 year and it is time to figure out what is going on.

My greatest frustration of late is dealing with Dell.  If you have ever dealt with them post sale with a problem, well I am sure you know all about cuckoo land.  When I say it is my greatest frustration, it is because they frustrate me so I feel like they consume me.  They make me be someone I 'don't want to be.  Do I really care about 81$  Do I really want to fight. Life is fucking short.  And that is my angst.  Really... is this the life I want?  I don't think so. And just for the record, 81$ isn't the only issue with DELL.  FUCK DELL.  Seriously pissed off.

I have 8 years before I can retire.  Now, that doesn't mean I should.  I divorced a man who made good money  after 30 years together.   I said let me out of here, write a check for $10,000  which he did and I got out.  NO REGRETS.  But I don't have much in savings.  I have a house that will bring in some money each month and a meager pension.  Yet, I could retire in 8 years and live a life a good life somewhere in Central America.  It is a dream I think.  I want to live a more simple life.  I don't want to deal with the Dell's in the world.

I went to Africa and volunteered a few years ago.  It was hard, I cried.  But I still think I want to do this.  I want to retire the day I can and go live with less.  I want to know me.  I want to unchain myself from CNN, Wal-mart, working set hours, POLITICS, people who free-load, freeways, DELL, and a life of preset expectations.  I want to go where I have never been and create a life I never imagined.  I want life to define me, not me to define life.  I want to serve in my own way.  I want to make peace with my version of Karma, Peace, Grace and Purpose.

I don't know what I  will do, well maybe I don't know exactly how to do what I want to do.  But I know this life isn't the only one I want to know.  And right now it is sorta grating  me on so many levels.  Dell just seems to be the safest one to talk about. 

So I guess I walk with the plan that I am going.  Spanish...I got to learn.   Don't spend, save... I can't take the shit I buy with me.  I guess I take a trip there to see what it is like. (Nicaragua?, Honduras?, Guatemala?, ???)  Dream could end there.  I could work on my physical health, get better at plumbing/electrical repair/ how a well works.... so there we go.  I guess I got a list of places to start. 

I think I got the pissed off blues...  but sometimes being pissed off is a great catalyst. 

“Adventure must start with running away from home”     William Bolitho 

Happy Birthday Superman

The Beatles - When I'm 64

I remember listening to this song as a teenager... 64 sounded like forever away.  Well I guess it goes by quicker than we would all have expected.  So today, I send it out to my Superman on his 64th.

August 13th 1948

Happy 64th Birthday Superman

Born just after World War II

  You were born under a waxing gibbous moon

Average Cost of new house $7,700.00

Average wages per year $2,950.00 

Cost of a gallon of Gas 16 cents

Average Cost of a new car $1,250.00

Loaf of Bread 14 cents

LB of Hamburger Meat 45 cents

Movie Ticket 60 Cents

1 million households own Televisions was 5,000 just 3 years earlier

President Harry S. Truman

United States Population: 146,631,302

You are 64 years old.

You are 23,360 days old.

You are 560,643 hours old.

You are 33,638,589 minutes old.

You are 2,018,315,340 seconds old.

Born This Year

John Ritter

Glenn Frey

Prince Charles

Alice Cooper

Al Gore

Samuel L. Jackson

James Taylor

Chart Toppers - August 13 1948

It’s Magic - Doris Day

Woody Woodpecker Song -

The Kay Kyser Orchestra (vocal: Gloria Wood & The Campus Kids)

A Tree in the Meadow - Margaret Whiting

Bouquet of Roses - Eddy Arnold

COVER OF TIME THE WEEK YOU WERE BORN

New York Times Front Page

August 13th, 1948

I Hope It Was A Good One 

Your Zombie Watching Baby

White Wine in the Sun - Tim Minchin

In a past blog I said I had made peace with Christmas.  3 Christmas Seasons back I decided to get off the Christmas Merry Go Round.  The first year I wasn't sure how it would go.  I did not set up my tree.  I did not set out all the pieces of treasures I had collected over 30 years of domestic Godess-ness.  I have the needle point ornaments I made the first year we were married. I have the ones the kids made.  I have the collection pieces that came later in life.  The toilet roll nativity scene is a great juxtaposition next to the lenox finery.  Every year as I put those things out, I felt connected to the past and a link to the future.  Would I be lost without this ritual?

In my cutting ties with the commericalization of Christmas, I did not buy presents.  None.  I baked cookies (really good cookies) for those who are important to me.  I had my children, their families, my Ex. and his girlfriend, and my boyfriend in for an exquisite meal of hand trussed fillet Mignon and creme brulee with raspberries and everything in between.  That was it.  No gifts for my grandchildren, children, special others.  None. I kept waiting that first year to panic and go out and purchase gifts.  I held tight.  I am still holding tight 3 Christmases later.

Like the singer of the song, "I Really like Christmas, and yes I have all the ususal objections to consumerism, to the commericalization of an Ancient religion, to the Westernization of a dead Palestinian, pressed into the selling of PlayStation's and Beer." All the hurry to complete the daunting lists of tasks.  It isn't for me anymore.  Don't buy me presents.  Enjoy my company, my cookies, a meal.  Your presence is my gift.  Be present in this moment, this memory. In the years that come when I am absent and you carry on the traditions... well that is the gift I gave you.  Drink little cokes, eat tea cakes, put out reindeer food, and read a new copy of "Twas the Night Before Christmas".  Go forward with the things I took forward.  That is the spirit of Christmas, not what you unwrapped.  So I no longer put the energy into the things in Christmas that don't matter.  I come to you with a soul that is rested, a mind that is clear, a bank account that isn't drained...and I am present and watch you do the Christmas Dance because it is your turn to orchestrate.

I am going home for Christmas this year.  I haven't seen my sister in 3 years, my brother in 2.  ....

"Wherever you are and whatever you face, these are the people we make you feel safe in this world....You know whatever comes, your brothers and sisters will be waiting for you in the sun whenever you come....waiting for YOU!   I really like Christmas, it's sentimental I know."

I am going to listen to Christmas songs as I drive the 1000 miles... to HOME!



Pearl Jam -Just Breathe

August 10th 2012
35 years ago today my life changed course.  I was 15. His name was Tommy.   He was my first serious boyfriend.  You have all been there.  The one that all your firsts were with.  I learned to kiss with him.  We layed in fields and watched clouds and talked about everything. Our names if we were married would vary only one letter in the whole of our names first middle and last.  One of us had an O, where the other had an A.  Almost exactly alike.  It was 35 years ago today that he killed himself.  I know now he wasn't my soul mate.  I know it would have run it's course and he would just have been a part of my life.  But that wasn't the way it turned out.  Long story short my ex-husband was his best friend.  He was a buoy on rocky seas.  He missed him too.  We were together 30 years.   We would have never married, never had our children.  I would not be who I am.  I feel sometimes like I lived decades to stabalize the shock waves that rose up that day that August day.  Other days I think it was what put me where I was supposed to be ... right where I am.  So today I just say his name on my soul.


Today a 1000 miles from my home town... I want to remember him. Good or bad, happy or sad...he REALLY changed my life.  

It's been 35 years... Peace be with you

TLW 

March 25th 1960 - August 10th 1977






Pumped Up Kicks - Acoustic Version Foster the People

I had been hearing this song and had spent a good deal of time searching the internet trying to find this song....well actually this version, of this song.  I had found the million entries of this song by Foster the People but that version was put to shame by the rich acoustic version that was stuck in my head. So I have been listening to cover after cover of this song on youtube trying to find who did this better version. Then boom, I find it was the original group in a different format... and that brought me to this blog entry.

We all have different formats in us.  I visited with an old friend this week. Always enjoy long talks with her.  I always understand myself better after talking with her.  She ask me a question this week that I didn't know the answer to until she asked and I answered. Maybe I understand more because she asks the right questions, more than the advice she gives; maybe both.  So she was asking me about my path with my partner.  I guess most would call him boyfriend but that seems so unfitting.  She asked what was next.  I assume that meant the normal options, cohabitation, engaged, married????? But I loved my immediate answer better.  So what comes next she asked with candor?  I answered... "What life brings us!".  I have no idea what that is and I am okay with that.  For the first time ever I feel confident to let life flow, knowing that he and I can adapt. No need to control, no need to wonder what if.  No need to doubt if he can weather a storm. 

I think I have found the acoustic format of my life...it's richness is not lost on me.  : )

Kind and Generous - Natalie Merchant

It is the first day of a long winter break ... Thank you!

I was up before dawn and I got to welcome the break of day driving through my country backroads when this song came on my car music box....Thank you!

My big chore in life today is to meander around my house and bake cookies....16 doz cookies and listen to Christmas music while I have a beverage or two...and keep the fire going in the fireplace.... it is a peaceful way I have learned to relate to Christmas ....Thank you!

My house is clean and cozy and it is my peaceful haven.  I have known more peace in this house in 4 years than I have ever known in my life.... Thank you....Thank you! (This one deserves a second Thank you)

I have my health and my life has reminded me lately to understand the dept of that sentence.  I have been more committed to my health this year.  I feel motivated to continue this in to the next year of my life....Thank you!

My kids are grown and making their way in life.  They have loving relationships in their lives.  They still call me just to talk and they are boys...It is not true that boys leave you when they meet their girl. I love them beyond belief for maintaing a close and loving course with me....  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!  (THANK YOU X's three needed here)

I found this quote, " A boy makes a girl jealous of other women, a Man makes other women jealous of his girl."  I finally got the latter ... One of my girlfriends always says..."OK, what is the best thing he has done lately.  The best part is I have to stop and think "which thing was best?"...I have more than one to pick from.... Thank you Thank you!

I have friends who are good in a crisis, Fun on short notice, and loyal through it all.  THANK YOU! (A BIG Thank you required here)

I have a sister who is my compass, my friend, my mother, my connection to the past and a joy in the present.... Thank you!! (She is in need of a double !)

I live with my little dog, who is dumber than a bag of rocks.  He is a short bus super hero.  He is Honey Bastard, Shitty Bill, Max, Kraizy....he is so many little dogs all in one so he has a list of names.  He cracks me up and is my companion...Thank you!

I know I have the ability for my own personal greatness.  I am growing more comfortable in my own skin.  I have clarity, peace and purpose in my life.  I also have a vision for when life decides it is time to shift.  All I can really say these days is ....Thank you Thank you Thankyou,  Thank you Thank you!

Everything - Ben Harper

I have been in a crazy assed mother fucking place these last 48 hours.  I have slept little...very little.  My feelings are on my sleeve.  FUCK that my heart is on my sleeve.  I am lost and found all in the matter of a nano second.  The only thing that is true to me right now is my music.  I sit here and this the most wonderful man I ever met (besides my father) isn't true and I thougth he was.  I think it is time to let him go.  is true, I just had to come to a place to need him and then find my way to trust that he could be who he was sure he already was.  But that isn't even the reason for this post. I am just trying to say what a crazy place I find myself.

I have been mad at everyone I love.  I am mad that an email BAMMED me so unexpectedly.  It was a sucker punch. I am mad that at 2:30 in the morning without a soul in sight I hear the D word.  I am mad that I did not have enough inside to even see that the sender of that email had been sucker punched and BAMMED a million times more than me....  I am mad at myself that I could not see past my own hurt.  And I am really mad that a man I thought was different,  isn't.  I am gonna face this alone...again, alone.  Okay I was wrong...He stood up a million times better than I thought possible.

Again not the reason for this post....just explaining why this song moved me this am to a torrent of tears from someone who doesn't cry.   I have spent another night walking the floor good for a moment, not good for a bit.  NOthing I can do about it.  And then just about as dawn breaks this song comes on. And the first line gets me...

"Behind all of your tears there is a smile.  Behind all of the rain there is  sunshine for miles and miles."

Yes...yes there is .

"You mean everything to me"

Yes, yes you do.

Over these last couple of days you have been "my first thought in the morning".  You have been my last thought "before I rest my eyes"

Yes, yes you have.

You mean everything to me, yes you do. 

I just love her so much and I sorta lost sight of that for the last couple of days.  Running the shit through my head, but not my heart.  The long and short of it, is it will be a long ride and yet a shortened one. The only thing I know, is I would not change a thing.  I would walk this walk with her.  I would chose her all over again.  I would face being disappointed by a man I didn't think would dissappoint me. (But it turns out I didn't have to...He was my rock!)  I would .... I would .... I would.   She means everything to me and behind our tears, hers, mine, her sisters, my sisters, our friends... we would because of the smile behind it all.  She is the smile. The laughter, the deep converstations, the adventures and the tears I would, we would all over again.  Except for Chicken Shit.  I already forgot his name.  (That was because Chicken Shit only existed in my mind.  I pushed him away without ever giving him a chance to "hold me up".  But he did and I let him.  I think that was my final letting go of my past.  It was an ephiany, a shift, a goodbye and a hello moment all in one.  I under-estimated him and myself...Lesson learned, I won't do that again). 

So I stand here knowing it is time to pick myself up, set my head clear and find the direction she has set... It is time to move past tears...there are still smiles and tomorrows in our future.  There is still sunshine for miles and miles.

Comes A Time

Comes a Time -Neil Young 1989

So my day started early today.  I had coffee with a friend.  I knew there was something coming when she made the request. I made her this sorta silly un-promise in a kinda non-conversation one spring night before things changed.  I had agreed to let her lead into something neither of us really understood the depth of.  She had cancer.  I feared losing her and I spent a weekend crying until I could come up fighting ...yet following.  So I didn't ask why she wanted to have coffee at 7 am on a Monday morning.  She isn't a morning person.  I was on to her, but I was blind sided anyway.

As life often is; a variety of troubles had to add to the mix.  Life though lovely is always complex.  Well she weathered those days and did it most graciously.  Or maybe it was that she kept a distance, taking the worst of it on her own.  The news recently was good and I let go of the long sigh I had been holding in. I let my guard down a tiny wee bit.  I hold my big cards close to my chest. She, I learned today is a big card. I am losing her and in a way to cancer.  I think her experience this spring set in motion the things she thought she'd like to do and moved them to the category of things she was going to do. I guess she woke up and decided to quit sleep walking through life (as we have discussed we are both prone to do). She has decided the time has come to direct her days, not to just pass from one to the next.  I see now that she gets that you can never really start over in the same old place.  So she is going to move several states away and be deliberate with the minutes and hours in a day, not the weeks and months of routine that had been adding up to a year.   It will hurt to let go, but it will hurt more to hold her. 

So as I thought of letting go today, I had some sad thougths. But I think the sadest part was feeling like I had lost an anchor to where I live.  It is no secret, I am not really at home here in this place.  It is rural and country and bible belt in bush country.  It is not me.  I can take the country, but not here.  Today it was like one of the ropes holding me here snapped.  I think that is the hard part.  She made here tolerable.

I had to drive to my Superman's house to borrow his old red truck to move some furniture around.  So I drove over after work and we were sitting on the couch and I told him...you are what holds me here.  Now any that know me, know I have struggled with my feelings for this man.  But today, I realized I learned my own lesson from cancer.  If you have someone you love, love em.  It doesn't matter what you call it, it doesn't matter what you say.  Just be true.  So as I told him, he said that is a lot of responsibility you are laying  on me.  He didn't say it like he was trying to widdle out of something, but like he understood I felt bound to him by my own thoughts.  I told him it wasn't no responsibility, just how I felt. He smiled but I knew he would.

So today in this craizy (yes, that is deliberate) roller coaster ride... I have let go and held on. It seems..."comes a time when we are drifting, comes a time when you settle down ... comes a time...comes a time.

I wish you the best Sister Friend...Anchor girl!