Everything - Ben Harper

I have been in a crazy assed mother fucking place these last 48 hours.  I have slept little...very little.  My feelings are on my sleeve.  FUCK that my heart is on my sleeve.  I am lost and found all in the matter of a nano second.  The only thing that is true to me right now is my music.  I sit here and this the most wonderful man I ever met (besides my father) isn't true and I thougth he was.  I think it is time to let him go.  is true, I just had to come to a place to need him and then find my way to trust that he could be who he was sure he already was.  But that isn't even the reason for this post. I am just trying to say what a crazy place I find myself.

I have been mad at everyone I love.  I am mad that an email BAMMED me so unexpectedly.  It was a sucker punch. I am mad that at 2:30 in the morning without a soul in sight I hear the D word.  I am mad that I did not have enough inside to even see that the sender of that email had been sucker punched and BAMMED a million times more than me....  I am mad at myself that I could not see past my own hurt.  And I am really mad that a man I thought was different,  isn't.  I am gonna face this alone...again, alone.  Okay I was wrong...He stood up a million times better than I thought possible.

Again not the reason for this post....just explaining why this song moved me this am to a torrent of tears from someone who doesn't cry.   I have spent another night walking the floor good for a moment, not good for a bit.  NOthing I can do about it.  And then just about as dawn breaks this song comes on. And the first line gets me...

"Behind all of your tears there is a smile.  Behind all of the rain there is  sunshine for miles and miles."

Yes...yes there is .

"You mean everything to me"

Yes, yes you do.

Over these last couple of days you have been "my first thought in the morning".  You have been my last thought "before I rest my eyes"

Yes, yes you have.

You mean everything to me, yes you do. 

I just love her so much and I sorta lost sight of that for the last couple of days.  Running the shit through my head, but not my heart.  The long and short of it, is it will be a long ride and yet a shortened one. The only thing I know, is I would not change a thing.  I would walk this walk with her.  I would chose her all over again.  I would face being disappointed by a man I didn't think would dissappoint me. (But it turns out I didn't have to...He was my rock!)  I would .... I would .... I would.   She means everything to me and behind our tears, hers, mine, her sisters, my sisters, our friends... we would because of the smile behind it all.  She is the smile. The laughter, the deep converstations, the adventures and the tears I would, we would all over again.  Except for Chicken Shit.  I already forgot his name.  (That was because Chicken Shit only existed in my mind.  I pushed him away without ever giving him a chance to "hold me up".  But he did and I let him.  I think that was my final letting go of my past.  It was an ephiany, a shift, a goodbye and a hello moment all in one.  I under-estimated him and myself...Lesson learned, I won't do that again). 

So I stand here knowing it is time to pick myself up, set my head clear and find the direction she has set... It is time to move past tears...there are still smiles and tomorrows in our future.  There is still sunshine for miles and miles.