Amost Cut My Hair - My Conflict with a Loss of Freedoms

Almost Cut My Hair - CSN&Y circa 1970

I have conflict in my soul about the world around me and my response to it.  Recently we have had yet another horrific news event- The Boston Marathon Bombing.  I know these happenings are not one dimensional, they show us at our worst (who does this stuff ) and our best (who raised the beautiful sons and daughters that stopped to render aid without thinking of self).  These events pop up and unsettle my soul.  How vain of me to only see it in sense of self.  How telling my response. 

I have lots of feelings about what has happened.  I can't process them really.  So I focus on what I can.  I think about what I want.  I think about what I have had.  I mourn the loss of outrage on some level inside my quiet moments. I feel guilty that I want to not think about it.  I want to not fix it.  I feel hopeless, lost and sad. Then, in a moment I feel determined with strength to change what I can, accept what I cannot and to understand what falls in which category. Then I feel guilty for seeing a solution that only changes it for me.  Let me explain.

My current fixation on this whole mess is about how the men where caught.  Let me start by saying how glad I am that they were caught.  Let me follow that with how conflictual the method of their capture was to me.  Let's face it, it was surveillance cameras that were vital as well as observers using their phones.  It was brought up right away how government placed camera's (Big Brother) in Europe have swiftly answered questions of who did what when.  I get that more and more camera's are going to be installed.  I am not a radical zealot, I am a liberal.  I know, I am terrible.  I know people lost their lives, limbs, loved ones.  I can't fathom all of that yet.  Please don't judge me too harshly. What I can give thought to, what I can grieve for is the loss of the life I grew up with.


1970 looks like the Wild West from today's point of view.  In 1970 you could drop out, travel across the country.  You could get a hotel without ID.   Cell phones didn't track you.  You could do anything with cash.  You could get a job.  You could go off grid in the middle of New York City, if you chose.  You could lose yourself even further in Alaska.  You didn't walk down the street fearing an out of place backpack.  I can't, don't want to wrap my head around this new way of living.  I feel powerless to stop it, change it, understand it.   I want a more peaceful life.  I want to worry about what is right in front of my face.  I want to tend my own garden and be present in my own life.  I just can't keep slicing off pieces to care about the many ills of this world.  Then I am sad.

I am sad that I no longer feel the wisdom of fighting ... for what is right.  What is right?  Who decides?  It is my belief that I have one life, this one.  My point of view does not count on a "heaven"to make this life palatable.  I am not counting on a chance to double down at a later date.  I see the best in myself, one of self-acceptance.  A life where I do not feel responsible for all the wrongs of the world.  Ah, but that sword cuts back on me.  My worst being that I don't feel responsible in some way for these wrongs.  Aren't we all responsible?

Call me Chicken Little, but I want to move to Nicaragua (or somewhere a little less "civilized") and put my head in the sand before the sky falls.  I want to help in whatever way I can, while I live a little further from the fray.  I know I am just wanting to run from all of this.  Doesn't anyone else feel like they sometimes can't feel anymore?  Or am I just choosing not to feel?  As usual, I chase my tail.

How much time, thought, energy do we give to something we feel powerless to change?  Is it okay to say enough already and leave someone else to figure it out?  If this is my only time, does it make me a bad person to "retire"from living in conflict?  Is it a wise and mature self that accepts that a Zen life is the answer?    Is a Zen point of view the pinnacle to achieve or the arrival at the intersection of Sell-Out Lane and Apathy Drive? 

Like David Crosby sang....

"When I finally get myself together
Get down in some sunny southern weather
Find a place inside to laugh
Separate the wheat from the chaff
Cause I feel like I owe it to someone"











who makes people who know nothing spew the most vile hatred without a hint of compassion, just playing like a stuck record)

I Do Do Do - But I Won't

I Do Do Do - Colbie Caillat

When I heard this song this week, I thought it fit my life which was a surprise to me on many levels.  Since I divorced I haven't been interested in marriage.  As life twists as I have found it often does, I had to come to terms about marriage, being asked, and what do I think about what being asked made me feel.

 My Superman whispered so sexily "Will you marry me" into my ear last week.  It was like silk.  The words came slow, there was a slight purr in his tone.  He had me wrapped up in his arms. It was perfect and like never before my heart stood still for a second and I had never felt so loved .  Then I whispered NO and told him how much I loved him.  Well maybe I just thought that.  I will have to ask him.  This isn''t the first time he has asked me.  This is just the first time it felt real. 

We don't want to get married.  To us we already are by your standards.  We are committed.  We have promised to stand by each other through life's biggest battles.  He will take me home should I want to die in my own bed.  To me that is the ultimate promise.  We do bills and vacations together.  We attend family functions together.  We just don't want to be trapped in legal-ness and cohabitation; our view of marriage. We get that life will change and one might need the other on a daily basis in the future and we have begun to talk about what that will look like.    We believe we have learned from our mistakes and we value our separateness as much as our togetherness. I think we are considered part of a new movement, those living apart, together or LAT's.

We live apart.  We see each other on a schedule but allow for fluctuation in our separate lives.  We negotiate, communicate and seem to navigate this relationship coherently and consciously.  That doesn't sound so romantic and I think that is what caught my heart last week.  See my Superman knows I want to co-habitat/marry less than he does.  He often will ask me to marry him.  We have an agreement, he can ask me, but I am going to say no.  But this week was different.  He ask me with such perfectness that I knew that if he/we were wanting to marry, he would be asking me.  And he would ask me just like that. 

So this week I got to have the joy that every girl has when some one she loves asks her to marry them.  It is a moment when the words are said so lovingly that you melt; they catch in your breath.  I said no in a whispered voice and could feel his smile against my cheek at my response.   Superman and I choose to go a different way.  We are always excited to be together.  We have years together and it is like we are still in those first months of dating. Yet we have developed a very deep love for the other. One that bears the confidence, security and great respect of a long mature marriage.   Yes we have learned from our mistakes.  Not just our own, but each others.

So last week I felt like I had it all.  I had all the love of being loved and all the space to continue to love him and myself.  No matter if you are 18 or or 50 + 18 don't be afraid to define your own path.  Just be happy on the the path you're on.  I love the ease of this journey.  I love the surety of it.  I feel more held at this distance than I ever did up close, bound in a marriage. 

Superman, charcoal shirt, jeans, no shoes, beach ... ask me again.  I will give you the answer I always have ... "No but I will play honeymoon". We can play honeymoon in Key West.  I hope you know how much I love you. Thank you for asking like that...so I know how wonderful it all is, on our terms. I do do do .... But I won't.  :  )