I have had my own reasons to "hold on" of late. Some days I hold on better than others. My recent trial has been a health challenge that ended up with 5 weeks in ICU, a ventilator and the understanding I do not fear death. But I am ahead of myself.
I guess the point of this blog is to process the things I have come to know during this struggle.
I am a tough old bird. I didn't die, I fought hard through some bad days, some hard pain, some lonely lost times...to live. I still fight, I know, it, me, life is worth fighting for. I dream of Key West with Superman, it will be sweeter than I ever thought it might have been before all of this. It is so crazy good to plan this trip, knowing I will feel better by then. I have hope, future, anticipation and adventure yet to come. I KNOW I APPRECIATE my toughness.
I lived a good life. I had no epiphany thoughts of how I was going to change the way I was living. I was living a full and happy life. I had good job, partner, friends, adventures, truth, peace and appreciation for my life. I still want to live in Nicaragua, but that was and is in the works and this trial only reaffirms that life is short. I knew that. I really know that better than most. I think it is part of my not fearing death...I fear not living while I am alive. I have learned I am LIVING and have been That is an awesome thing to know.
I am loved...OMG how they helped me hold on. I have lost spaces, weeks, memories, strength, will, reality, and self, yet they held me. Family and friends and special ones, and sons and ex-husbands and their fiancé, and a dog, all held me. One even stepped in as an illusion of my mother and turned me round in a fog that had consumed me. Such love from so many places. There have been pennies from heaven ...Thanks Moma and Daddy....gone so long, yet here one more time. I have had abundance, grace, love and support. I have so much to hold on to.
Yeah, I am ready for all this to be over, but only so I can get back to living the life I love. All of this has helped me remember I just need to hold on...
"You got to hold on...
Bless my heart, bless yours too...
