You've Got to Hold On!

Alabama Shakes

I have had my own reasons to "hold on" of late.  Some days I hold on better than others.  My recent trial has been a health challenge that ended up with 5 weeks in ICU, a ventilator and the understanding I do not fear death.  But I am ahead of myself. 

I guess the point of this blog is to process the things I have come to know during this struggle.

I am a tough old bird.  I didn't die, I fought hard through some bad days, some hard pain, some lonely lost times...to live.  I still fight, I know, it, me, life is worth fighting for. I dream of Key West with Superman, it will be sweeter than I ever thought it might have been before all of this. It is so crazy good to plan this trip, knowing I will feel better by then.  I have hope, future, anticipation and adventure yet to come.  I KNOW I APPRECIATE my toughness.

I lived a good life.  I had no epiphany thoughts of how I was going to change the way I was living.  I was living a full and happy life.  I had good job, partner, friends, adventures, truth, peace and appreciation for my life.  I still want to live in Nicaragua, but that was and is in the works and this trial only reaffirms that life is short.  I knew that.  I really know that better than most.  I think it is part of my not fearing death...I fear not living while I am alive.  I have learned I am LIVING and have been  That is an awesome thing to know.

I am loved...OMG how they helped me hold on.  I have lost spaces, weeks, memories, strength, will, reality, and self, yet they held me.  Family and friends and special ones, and sons and ex-husbands and their fiancé, and a dog, all held me. One even stepped in as an illusion of my mother and turned me round in a fog that had consumed me.  Such love from so many places.  There have been pennies from heaven ...Thanks Moma and Daddy....gone so long, yet here one more time.  I have had abundance, grace, love and support.  I have so much to hold on to.

Yeah, I am ready for all this to be over, but only so I can get back to living the life I love.  All of this has helped me remember I just need to hold on...

"You got to hold on...
Bless my heart, bless yours too...