Walk Away -Ben Harper

Walk Away - Ben Harper
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FSkL9hMhpE


D-Day July 9th 2006



July 9th, 2006 I ended my 30 year stent with a man who said he loved me, but actions speak so much louder than words. This is the story of the end of us and the beginning of me.


Oh no- here comes that sun again.
I went to bed last night with this feeling that something was amiss.  Nothing specific, I just this feeling that you were up to your old tricks again.  I asked you to sleep on the couch.  I was thinking it is coming.  I can't pin point it but I know you are about to pull the rug out from under my feet AGAIN.  I am fairly sure you have already strayed from me, but I have no proof.  I have been telling you for the last 5 years, I will not do this again.  If I ever find out for sure I am done.  I wonder if you have been listening.  I wonder if I have been listening.  I drift off thinking how the fuck did I get here.  How did I come to think this is how I want to live my life.


And (that) means another day without you my friend.
This line I think was where I began to spin my tale, actually it was where I began to chase my tail. I chased my tail in circles for years trying to make sense of it all. I thought I could not leave you.  You were my best friend.  We met when my boyfriend, your best friend committed suicide.  It is hard at 15 to bear that kind of loss.  We clung to each other to survive and somewhere in there you became my best friend. I could tell you how I missed him.  How I felt responsible and how some mornings I wish I wouldn't wake up.  You didn't flinch.  You were the person I could tell it all to.

And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
I heaped every ounce of disappointment on myself.  Blamed, myself.  I couldn't stand the me who let him die.  I hurt to my core. You helped me get through and life went on.  We married; and moved away.  Had children, earned degrees and spent the next 30 years together.

And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.
I couldn't even think about starting over with someone else.  No one else knows what we have been through.  NO one will know that for a year we kept each other alive when we were ready to throw in the towel. No one will remember listening to ELO Telephone and seeing the lights in the sky collide.  No one that would come into my life if I give up on you would know my Mom and Dad who passed years ago when I was still young.  How can anybody new know me without knowing those things?  I think this was the thing I could not get past.  If I leave you, I think I won't really be me!

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.
So, I just kept telling you I WON'T do this again.  I was hoping you were listening.  But the fault wasn't yours.  It was mine.  Why should you believe me?  I have let you pull the rug out over and over.  I have shown you that I don't expect you to handle me with care.  But the thing that was different was that I was listening. We had just returned back from a week of wonderful fun at the beach.  You had flown back and I drove with the kids like I always did.  When I got home, I just knew something wasn't right.  I asked you questions and you told me I was craizy, always making up problems.  I don't need to make up problems...you manage to keep me supplied.  So I fussed and asked you to sleep on the couch and you did. So I got up early the next morning after having driven 1200 miles back from the beach and I walked out to your truck and looked for something...I don't know what.  I had never gone looking in your truck before...but I guess I had beginners luck.  In less than 3 minutes I found a hotel receipt. You stayed in a hotel close to home, while I was gone to Seattle.  I knew I found the proof.  The proof that would lay 5 years of "I won't do this again" on the table.  I woke you up.  I told you we were done and that day I asked you to leave.  More importantly...I NEVER asked you to return.  I faced that I would cut my losses at 30 years.  I would have to get past someone not knowing me like you did.  I accepted that maybe I didn't really need or want someone knowing me the way you did.  You know me as someone who can be walked on, mistreated, lied too.  I knew right then, I never wanted anyone to know me like that ever again!

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
EXACTLY...why worry about one!

But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.
I headed for my door and never looked back.  I didn't look back when I was in Africa all by myself.  I didn't look back when I said hello to a fireman.  AND I NEVER LOOKED BACK WHEN I SAID HELLO TO A SUPERMAN. I found out that if I left you, I could really be me.  The me that is whole.  The me that knows I deserve better.  The me that is happy, just being me.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.


SLAM...  And ....I DIDN'T LET IT HIT ME ON MY WAY OUT!