Let Him Fly - Patti Griffith

Let Him Fly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9g5d4bZdmI


This song should have been lying at my feet by some twist of fate when I finally knew it was time to go.  It would be the perfect parting piece.  But that would be back in that place where I was angry.  In that place I would have twisted the shredded slivers of my soul on the song's line ...

"Ain't no talkin to this man, ain't no pretty other side".
 I hated him.  I blamed him for the worse crime of all; He MADE me hate myself.  He told me lies, but I had to tell myself lies to be able to keep standing there.  Don't get me wrong.  He did some really not nice things.  But so did I. 

It wasn't the lies that got us, his or mine.  It was the truths we didn't tell.

He never told me he didn't want to ever marry me until it was done.  He didn't say it as a hateful jab.  Well, yes he did, but it was a truth, not just words meant to hurt.  The second I heard it, I think I knew it was true.  I just couldn't face it until now. More than all the lies he ever told, it was this simple truth that would have saved us from each other.  I want to tell him it was his job as a decent person to tell me that.  AND KEEP TELLING ME UNTIL HE HEARD IT.  It would have been ugly, I expect not too fun.  But I know it would have been okay.

"Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride"
My lie was to us both.  The first time he cheated, it cut me deep. I was young and we were married just about a year.  I moved out for a bit with a girlfriend.  He said all the right things and I went back. It would happen again and again. Somewhere in there fairly early on; I quit loving him. I just couldn't say that.  I didn't want to fail.  It was my pride, I realize now.


You know the light has left his face but you can't recall just where or why
Somewhere in there I quit believing. Somewhere in those infidelities I lost the light in his face.  Yet, I kept on going on like it mattered.  I built reasons in my head why I couldn't quit. I should have been more honest.  I should have told him I lost the light. Instead I blamed him.  I blamed him for what he did (oh and he did), but I also saw grievances where there were none.  I realize now our marriage was over almost before the ink was dry on the marriage certificate.  I am no less guilty, I am just guilty of different crimes.


It would take an acrobat and I already tried all that so

We spent so many years trying to hold on. I want to think it was a noble gesture.  We had some good times, but we had some really bad ones.  He tried for a while and then I would try for a while.  The rough spots came I think when neither of us was pulling for the other.  I think during those times we plodded along for the sake of the kids.  It just got too hard.  We got too tired.  And finally...

It took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go

Still to the end it was a war to see who would hollar uncle.  I ranted and raved I would not do this again with you.  I must have said it 1000 times.  Like in the beginning you didn't tell me you didn't want to marry me.  And in the end you would not tell me you wanted to un-marry me.  So you did it your way.  You strayed.  You were caught. You waited to see if I would do what I said.  I was your russian roulette... and I realized....

Of the choices we are given it's no choice at all
That nothing before me felt like a choice.  I knew in the bottom of my soul...

 I just went and cut right through it
I was never gonna do this again and I knew...

And there ain't no talkin' to this man, he's been tryin' to tell me so
And you wake up and you just know...

But you must always know how long to stay and when to go
I'm gonna let him fly

I'm gonna let him fly, fly, oh

But there is more.  A friend asked the other day about forgiveness. I have made it to forgiveness for these wrongs.  His wrongs.  I have admired that about myself.  I have admired that about him.  Forgiveness allows me to enjoy what I like and admire about my ex now.  He is a kind and loving father.  He is good and kind to me whenever an occasion presents its self.  I see how he seeks to place his new partner on one side and me on the other at family gatherings.  He does that to tell me we, he and I still head our family.  He knows that is important to me. His kindness is not lost on me. I hope that he sees something in my actions that says the same to him.  And so he and I dance in forgiveness. 

We have managed that for 3 years or so now.  It isn't a fluke.

But now as I have found my footing and some direction.  I have been planted in a garden that fulfills me and nurtures me. As Voltaire said, we must tend our garden.  Part of my tending has been to prune myself.  I have looked back and seen my pride and was not pleased.  I have seen the damage of my own lies.  I have seen the truths I didn't say.

But I have also seen, the grace in my forgiveness. By forgiving him, I have no reason to not forgive myself. 

In this story at least...

There's no mercy in a live wire, no rest at all in freedom ... without forgiveness.