I Do Do Do - But I Won't

I Do Do Do - Colbie Caillat

When I heard this song this week, I thought it fit my life which was a surprise to me on many levels.  Since I divorced I haven't been interested in marriage.  As life twists as I have found it often does, I had to come to terms about marriage, being asked, and what do I think about what being asked made me feel.

 My Superman whispered so sexily "Will you marry me" into my ear last week.  It was like silk.  The words came slow, there was a slight purr in his tone.  He had me wrapped up in his arms. It was perfect and like never before my heart stood still for a second and I had never felt so loved .  Then I whispered NO and told him how much I loved him.  Well maybe I just thought that.  I will have to ask him.  This isn''t the first time he has asked me.  This is just the first time it felt real. 

We don't want to get married.  To us we already are by your standards.  We are committed.  We have promised to stand by each other through life's biggest battles.  He will take me home should I want to die in my own bed.  To me that is the ultimate promise.  We do bills and vacations together.  We attend family functions together.  We just don't want to be trapped in legal-ness and cohabitation; our view of marriage. We get that life will change and one might need the other on a daily basis in the future and we have begun to talk about what that will look like.    We believe we have learned from our mistakes and we value our separateness as much as our togetherness. I think we are considered part of a new movement, those living apart, together or LAT's.

We live apart.  We see each other on a schedule but allow for fluctuation in our separate lives.  We negotiate, communicate and seem to navigate this relationship coherently and consciously.  That doesn't sound so romantic and I think that is what caught my heart last week.  See my Superman knows I want to co-habitat/marry less than he does.  He often will ask me to marry him.  We have an agreement, he can ask me, but I am going to say no.  But this week was different.  He ask me with such perfectness that I knew that if he/we were wanting to marry, he would be asking me.  And he would ask me just like that. 

So this week I got to have the joy that every girl has when some one she loves asks her to marry them.  It is a moment when the words are said so lovingly that you melt; they catch in your breath.  I said no in a whispered voice and could feel his smile against my cheek at my response.   Superman and I choose to go a different way.  We are always excited to be together.  We have years together and it is like we are still in those first months of dating. Yet we have developed a very deep love for the other. One that bears the confidence, security and great respect of a long mature marriage.   Yes we have learned from our mistakes.  Not just our own, but each others.

So last week I felt like I had it all.  I had all the love of being loved and all the space to continue to love him and myself.  No matter if you are 18 or or 50 + 18 don't be afraid to define your own path.  Just be happy on the the path you're on.  I love the ease of this journey.  I love the surety of it.  I feel more held at this distance than I ever did up close, bound in a marriage. 

Superman, charcoal shirt, jeans, no shoes, beach ... ask me again.  I will give you the answer I always have ... "No but I will play honeymoon". We can play honeymoon in Key West.  I hope you know how much I love you. Thank you for asking like that...so I know how wonderful it all is, on our terms. I do do do .... But I won't.  :  )



Hallelujah - K.D. Lang

 

 

I have totally obsessed with this song for the last 2 -3 months.  I have listened to every artist I could find that recorded this song.  My favorite being the soulful and lulling rendition done by Guy Forsyth.  When that man does Gospel I feel connected to the spirit.  I couldn't find a Guy Video, so I offer up a close 2nd by K.D. Lang. 

 

This last year has been a slow evolution into my own HaIlelujah.  Hallelujah has many meanings, but the one I refer to here is a more modern version.  As defined on a Wikipedia page, "Hallelujah is an expression of happiness that a thing hoped or waited for has happened."  I have begun to notice I am achieving a personal transformation of thinking.  I have begun to understand that I have stopped what if-ing.  I quit (almost) being absent in my life.  I ceased thinking everything is my fault. 

 

More importantly I starting thinking, why not?  Why not me?  What might I do with this life of mine?  I have quit being overwhelmed by my life, my schedule, my duties.  I am a very busy engaged person.  Busy doesn't work, because I have a lot of down time being a single lady with grown children.  But my down time is engaging to me.  I don't have cable TV so my unscheduled time isn't usually empty time. I can lay low with the best of them.  But I  I have a lot of passions. 

 

When my job and home duties collide my old MO was to obsess while I was hurrying through a list of needs.  Now I just tell myself "well self you are busy doing X, Y, and Z and you are still nagging?".  Really how crazy is that?  So if I get it done faster, all the while hating the process, that is better?  Now I just think, I am going to wash these dishes and I am going to listen to some good music while I do it. When I finish something, I tell myself thank you in a sorta kinda way.  Every piece of life (just about) is a treasure with the right point of view.

 

I have begun to Appreciate my life.  I have had a lot of unexpected expenses these last 2 months.  I have put out almost $4000 dollars.  My savings are in dire straights.  I have put pen to paper and fingertips to calculator and have begun to address this depletion as well as other fiscal agendas.  I have stayed home a lot, bought little and been very happy.  I realize this constraining in one part of my life will open up the boundaries in other areas.  So, WOW, I have been broke and have enjoyed it to some extent. 

 

I have quit taking on the wrongs in every situation.  Wrongs that I believe now were mostly of my own perception.  This has been an amazing Grace I have given myself.  I have had several awards and recognitions at work.  They speak not to my formally educated skill set, but to my passion, my kindnesses, my compassion.  I have noticed I am more approachable.  I have more staff and clients greeting me when I pass.  I see more smiling faces when I look up.  I have been good at what I do, but not necessarily good at how I do it.  I have been too direct.  I have been too driven by task and not by need. I have learned, there is nothing perfect about perfection.  Understanding this has allowed for forgiveness.  True forgiveness.  I wonder how many people get to experience that.  I have ... Hallelujah!

 

 I just quit doing things that made me have bad feelings.  It wasn't like I thought it all through, I didn't.  I started a couple of years ago going over my day each (or most) evening(s).  I guess along the way, I did more of what felt good and less of those things I didn't like.  I look back now and think .... WOW what a big chasm I have crossed.   I never saw it formed as a plan or a direction. It seems to have happened without cognition.  I have journaled for years and always wished (literally) that I would have appreciation, that I would be present in my life and I would be more of the person I know I can be.  I find myself in this place I have hoped for, finally!

 

Hallelujah

 

Hallelujah 

 

Hallelujah

 

 

 

 

Home - Jorge & Alexa Narvaez

Home

My afternoon started out like a slow motion walk through a war zone.  I could see the incoming in the distance.  But I decided 30 minutes ago that if I want to live in Nicaragua I will have many hit the wall moments and no one is going to be there to pick me up.  I also had confessed to my Superman that I had the funk and proceeded to just whine my ass off. 

So when I have the funk I listen to music.  I will hit a playlist on some piece of technology and wait to be saved.  I have a friend with a blog where she says her words are the little life preserver's in her world; mine are songs.  So this song popped up and before it was done, I knew I was looking at things the wrong way.

When I was in Africa I had moments of great darkness.  I had a million times more moments of great joy.  I have some issues right now in life, but it is so silly to think it is the sum of my life.  So I guess if I am going to take off and live in a far off land, I better learn that I choose my own frame of reference.

And so... I hear this song and I know... In this moment no matter how draining of a day... no matter what demands are placed on me... We will laugh until we cry on a summer's night, nothing is sweeter that when I am with you.  Thanks SUPERMAN for reminding me of the important things today!

Magnolia - Monte Montgomery

This is a song my sister laid at my feet.  She said she had a song that reminded her of me...but I am ahead of myself.  My sister has always been there.  From the time I entered the world, my sister was a part of my life. We grew up in a brick ranch with parents that took a common sense approach to parenting.  We weren't tight, we weren't close while growing up.  She sat next to me at the dinner table.  We didn't fight.  We just didn't interact...which really seems odd.  I guess sometimes you just have to wait for the things that matter.

But we are both all grown up now.  Hell our children are all grown up.  Our parents are long gone, as is the distance between us.  Some where in our lives we each just turned to the other and it has been all good from there.  My sister is amazing.  Together we could do anything.  She and I compliment each other.  Our talents are varied, but well meshed.  When we cook a Thanksgiving meal we don't really talk about it. We might work the grocery list together, but once in the kitchen ...we work like a symphony.  We just fit.  We are in-sync.

I treasure her.  She is the voice of reason in my life.  She is calm and patient, where I am not.    I trust her immensely. That is a pretty simple statement; but really it is so complex.  I am pretty hard on myself.  I am working on it.  When you trust someone completely, like I do my sister, well you can take the biggest truth without question.  Here in lies the truth of my love for her.    My sister has said some of the most precious things to me.  She says them clearly and makes me hear them.  I would normally think nothing of these words from a different speaker.  Ahhhh but my sister has my complete trust.  When she tells me ... that I am rock in times of trouble, I can lay that truth on my heart.  When she says I can go to Africa and do this thing, I know I can.  When she tells me it is okay to wobble, every one does...I feel more centered.  I love my sister, I love myself better because of my sister.  I have more love to give because I have more love for myself because of my sister. My sister helps me face the dawn knowing that I can do, I can do what the day asks of me.

I don't look back and regret that we spent our childhood disconnected.  It must have been what was needed to bring us to this place. I don't just love her, I adore her.  I asked her recently what she thought of my plan to retire early (and poor) and take off to live in Nicaragua.  She told me I could do it. I love that she knows my heart even though I desire a very different life from hers. 

I guess she knew a long time ago that I would take off to parts of the world less traveled. I dreamed last night that I lived in what appeared to be Nicaragua and my name was Annie Grace.   Like Monte sings, I am an Island girl and I walk this world anywhere the wind will take me.

Good People
Jack Johnson

 

 

 

It has been a strange couple of days.  I find myself trying to reconcile the events in Sandy Hook and I can't.  It isn't because I can't decide what I think.  It is because I can't think about it long enough to piece together a coherent string of events to ponder what it means.  I haven't even mustered up a good dose of hatred for ... him.  The only thing I can really process is this is complicated and too important to be a sound bite of opinion on social commentary.  These lives, all 28 of them, deserve better.

 

I cut myself off from news sources Friday evening.  I allowed myself about 40 minutes today to read online articles.  That included the minutes I needed between articles to turn my mind off and not think any further than the article stated. 

 

My prayers are that we ask hard questions of ourselves; that we do what is right.  The lives lost should not be in vain.  Everything should be on the table of public discourse.  EVERYTHING!  Better gun laws, better enforcement or both.  I don't know the answer, but I sure the hell don't want the NRA at this table.  We can't cheapen this conversation with lobbyist.  Mental Health Issues and treatment are welcome to the table as are the needs of the disabled, the Autistic and those that are bullied or troubled.  While we are at it lets bring the sensational news shows under the light of inspection.  "How did that make you feel" they asked.  It made me feel cheap and ashamed to watch you do this at tragedy after tragedy, on station after station, year after year.  You will broadcast anything, print anything that will get you a second's notice.  So far the only hate I feel is towards the messenger.  What about the teachers and staff?  God this is what it takes to get a little respect for the endless duty teachers are charged with everyday?  They do a million things besides teach.  More than one staff member did what was right.  A 5' 2 woman charged a man with a semi-automatic rifle.  How awesome a daughter someone raised. 

 

I can't even begin to mourn for the children.  I am lost in the many ways we will fail them.  I can't find the faith that we will get past our polarizations long enough to listen, compromise and fix what we can. I have lost my faith in our process, our dialogue, our being the greatest nation on Earth.  We are a soundbite society, in a headline world.  Walter Cronkrite where have you gone?

 

 

 

"Where did all the good people go.  We got heaps and heaps of what we sowed".

 

 

 

 

Pissed Off Blues

Pissed Off Blues

My mind has been leaning to the negative of late.  Sometimes I think I have reason for this, and sometimes I think it is something bigger than the specific events that frustrate me.  I am 50 plus 1 year and it is time to figure out what is going on.

My greatest frustration of late is dealing with Dell.  If you have ever dealt with them post sale with a problem, well I am sure you know all about cuckoo land.  When I say it is my greatest frustration, it is because they frustrate me so I feel like they consume me.  They make me be someone I 'don't want to be.  Do I really care about 81$  Do I really want to fight. Life is fucking short.  And that is my angst.  Really... is this the life I want?  I don't think so. And just for the record, 81$ isn't the only issue with DELL.  FUCK DELL.  Seriously pissed off.

I have 8 years before I can retire.  Now, that doesn't mean I should.  I divorced a man who made good money  after 30 years together.   I said let me out of here, write a check for $10,000  which he did and I got out.  NO REGRETS.  But I don't have much in savings.  I have a house that will bring in some money each month and a meager pension.  Yet, I could retire in 8 years and live a life a good life somewhere in Central America.  It is a dream I think.  I want to live a more simple life.  I don't want to deal with the Dell's in the world.

I went to Africa and volunteered a few years ago.  It was hard, I cried.  But I still think I want to do this.  I want to retire the day I can and go live with less.  I want to know me.  I want to unchain myself from CNN, Wal-mart, working set hours, POLITICS, people who free-load, freeways, DELL, and a life of preset expectations.  I want to go where I have never been and create a life I never imagined.  I want life to define me, not me to define life.  I want to serve in my own way.  I want to make peace with my version of Karma, Peace, Grace and Purpose.

I don't know what I  will do, well maybe I don't know exactly how to do what I want to do.  But I know this life isn't the only one I want to know.  And right now it is sorta grating  me on so many levels.  Dell just seems to be the safest one to talk about. 

So I guess I walk with the plan that I am going.  Spanish...I got to learn.   Don't spend, save... I can't take the shit I buy with me.  I guess I take a trip there to see what it is like. (Nicaragua?, Honduras?, Guatemala?, ???)  Dream could end there.  I could work on my physical health, get better at plumbing/electrical repair/ how a well works.... so there we go.  I guess I got a list of places to start. 

I think I got the pissed off blues...  but sometimes being pissed off is a great catalyst. 

“Adventure must start with running away from home”     William Bolitho 

Happy Birthday Superman

The Beatles - When I'm 64

I remember listening to this song as a teenager... 64 sounded like forever away.  Well I guess it goes by quicker than we would all have expected.  So today, I send it out to my Superman on his 64th.

August 13th 1948

Happy 64th Birthday Superman

Born just after World War II

  You were born under a waxing gibbous moon

Average Cost of new house $7,700.00

Average wages per year $2,950.00 

Cost of a gallon of Gas 16 cents

Average Cost of a new car $1,250.00

Loaf of Bread 14 cents

LB of Hamburger Meat 45 cents

Movie Ticket 60 Cents

1 million households own Televisions was 5,000 just 3 years earlier

President Harry S. Truman

United States Population: 146,631,302

You are 64 years old.

You are 23,360 days old.

You are 560,643 hours old.

You are 33,638,589 minutes old.

You are 2,018,315,340 seconds old.

Born This Year

John Ritter

Glenn Frey

Prince Charles

Alice Cooper

Al Gore

Samuel L. Jackson

James Taylor

Chart Toppers - August 13 1948

It’s Magic - Doris Day

Woody Woodpecker Song -

The Kay Kyser Orchestra (vocal: Gloria Wood & The Campus Kids)

A Tree in the Meadow - Margaret Whiting

Bouquet of Roses - Eddy Arnold

COVER OF TIME THE WEEK YOU WERE BORN

New York Times Front Page

August 13th, 1948

I Hope It Was A Good One 

Your Zombie Watching Baby