Forever - Ben Harper

"Forever"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHzAVDg4m1Q
I have a big debate going on in my head these days.  I keep going in circles, chasing my tail as I call it.  I get an issue in my mind and I am try to process it. My sister calls it "being stuck in her crawl".  When she has a problem she is quiet.  So I think the 'in her crawl" comment is wonderful.  She has taught me that silence isn't always a cold shoulder, but instead just a processing pause.  I wish she had told me that earlier in my life.  I am a talker, a say what you think, blunt, bossy, foot in their mouth kinda girl.  I don't like that about myself anymore.  It is part of why I am chasing my tail right now.

When you chase your tail there are 2 or 3 threads that just keep weaving in and out of your days.  You pause and think what is that about and then life distracts you and it lays until, with a jarring thud, it lands in your path AGAIN!  So I have had these pieces of vision drop around me. I know I am trying my best not to notice them but .... they are persistent.

So I got this Superman.  Life with him is unusual. I adore him.  I have begun to explore loving him.  And chasing my tail has begun. Why can't I just look at him and say I love you when something has happened between us that is tender, kind, loving, sweet, or just a moment one would consider uttering those words.  I do love him and yet I don't. It confuses me. The threads that inter-twine are bitterness vs. wisdom.  I become both characters in the movie "Out of Africa".  The scene where Meryl Streep and Robert Redford have an intense and some what uncomfortable discussion of each of their views of love.  She asks him to give up something he loves, something that is inherently part of who he is, to please her.  He in returns says his kind of love does not ask for proof or assurance. By the end of the scene it is obvious that two people who really love each other can't give each other their forevers. 

In my relationship with Superman I am both those people.  Half of me is Robert Redford.  I want that love where you are, who you are and yet you co-exist in a harmony of connectedness. I don't want to have to consider that other person when life presents its self. I want to never have to miss a sunset where I am because I have to be with Supe at a planned time. I never want to miss an adventure like Africa because of him.  So far I have had all those things.  It is a beautiful existence and yet I struggle by questioning it. I can't beat down the feeling that this thing, done this way isn't the passionate, consuming, controlling, intensity of the love I have known. So does that mean I am holding back? Bitter? Jaded? Broken? Or, am I solid, confident, happy and Good? 

Then there is the me that is Meryl. She needed promises.  She was willing to stand alone and care for herself if loving him required it.  But in return he would need to pay the penitence that she had prescribed for loving her. She reasoned that loving him made her reconcile her own needs so he would need to do the same as proof of an equal love.  I needed that same thing in the past!  Like Meryl I gave away some things I could not afford to lose. You think if I do this, he will do this.  When he doesn't you doubt his love and lay a brick in the wall.  Did Meryl miss the point and deny herself the thing she always wanted, to be loved for who she was? Or was she right.  This man made no promises of forever.  What if she got sick? Lost the farm? 

So here is the tail chasing. I like the Superman/Robert Redford version of love.  But I have this back music playing.  It is a whole different sound track that will not stay in the background.  That song screams...you are a fool.  This superman kinda love isn't real.  It is a fake empty version of love because it has no passion.  It is I will stay as long as life is rosy and not too demanding, fair weather love. Where does that come from??????  It makes no sense to me, yet it will NOT go away.

Turning back to argue in circles,  that Superman kind of love demands that you bring your best to the table everyday because you haven't committed until death do you part.  Instead you have said I will stand here as long as I, we enjoy standing here.  I will love you until I don't.  That is it...I think that is all we ever promise anyway.  Sure I see people (mostly the young) look at each other with forever glances.  I know that look won't be found on many days on the road ahead.  IS THAT BITTER OR WISE? Come tail, come! 

Well let's keep going....
Forever forever or forever as long as we agree to it?
Free or not loved enough to be held (sometimes too tightly) on to?
Carefully treading forward or not real love cause you can contain it?
Understanding EVERYTHING is temporary anyway or being pessimistic?

Today... I am in Robert Redford point of view.  I am listening to an understanding of great complication to me.  I don't need promises, other than I will give my best until I don't. Superman has my forever. 

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore

I will continue to struggle with why I can't stand up and tell him and the world I can promise I will be there for always.  I can't say I will stay through thick and thin.  I think I can stay for the rough days when life kicks dirt in our faces.  But I can't stay if he kicks dirt in my face.  I don't know if I can live this Robert Redford love that takes no prisoners and extracts no toll.  And yet to me it seems the only way worth doing.  Why promise to love each when later on you won't?  I don't wanna stick around anymore when someone quits loving me.  I am alright with that.  But that runs counter to the twisted view of love I have had.  I thought you stick no matter what.  Quitting is for pussies!

I currently subscribe to the staying-past when-it-is-fun-is-folly group.  But I chase my tail often...am I really just fooling myself that I can believe in a Robert Redford kind of love? Or will I always revert to my Meryl role?  On good days, I see clearly which is pure and which is marred.  On bad days I chase my tail.

So for today, in this moment of quiet on a blissful Saturday morning, Robert Redford is sprawled out in my sitting room floor and I tell him to follow his dreams I will be here.  And in these good moments I see that I can't say I will be right here when he returns (I might be out chasing a sunset of my own), but I will make my way back to him.  We will come back to each other... until we don't.  Isn't that the only forever we really have?  Or is that admitting defeat before you start?  Where is that fucking tail?


Forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end

Fact or fitful thought?