Lean On Me - Bill Withers

Lean On Me

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPoTGyWT0Cg

I have been in a growth spot the last 6 months.  I have gotten past the failure of my marriage and I am coming to terms with the fact that a failed marriage does not make me a failure.  I have come out whole but a bit dysfunctional.  Well let me rephrase that. I have realized my dysfunction is partly to blame for the craziness of my marriage.  I am a fixer.  It would seem a lovely trait, to want to help others.  It isn't, or at least it isn't in the warped way it has roosted in my life.

I married a man that needed saving.  My soul had a jarring jolt when I realized one of my secret truths was that I married him not out of love but a sense of duty, to save him. I owed him that honesty.  Fuck that, I owed myself that honesty. It has taken a series of events to see that duty,  honor and commitment are poor substitutions for love.

I wrote in an earlier blog, entitled Trouble, about a friend that was too much work.  I love this friend dearly, but she does not love herself and I found it exhausting to fill that hole. This same friend does not love life and she harshly criticizes every conceivable thing.  Actually I have realized I have an abundantly large number of friends that NEED a lot of maintenance.  I have been weaning myself slowly from the drama.   This has been big. I have begun to see that I am lovable without having to be a fixer.

I have also been able to realize that I am a good friend in a pinch.  I am the one who won't say call me if I can do anything.  I am the person who will bring you dinner every week when you didn't ask.   If I know it has been hard, I will call you up and say pick a day and I will plan a treat.  I work on their time schedule.  I don't tell them I was up til two cooking the night before because I heard or knew this particular day or week was kicking their ass. I might not tell them I have been bailing our 3 other people who are in crisis at the same time.  I try to make it look effortless.  I try to do for them without presenting my help in a way that puts them in a position to have to do the old "You shouldn't have".  I pick the things that are not glamorous.  They are the tasks, the grut work, the in the background kind of deeds.  I don't need the glory, but at the same time I have needed the glory I give myself.

So I am trying to look at myself and prune some dead spots.  I can see my fixing is a strength and a weakness. You don't marry a man because he needs to be fixed; it is a poor substitution for love.  If you surround yourself with those in need of repair you can work on them, instead of yourself.  I also know that I good at giving.  I have an ability to see what will help and a delivery which is disarming and does not require the receiver to feel they are really asking for or receiving anything unusual.  Which brings me to this actual song and why it tells my song today.

I have a friend who really never NEEDS me.  She allows me to be gracious in my giving, but I never feel like she is one of the people I carry.  She in turn has carried me.  She was my life raft right after my divorce.  She kept me busy.  She introduced me to Superman.  She reminds me of my sister.  She has the same demeanor as my sister. I find her rational and calm.  I trust her always.  I never question her insight as it will always be well thought out, balanced and the one point of view that I could not find when I was chasing my tail.

 I took to pruning my dead wood and was making some positive steps.  It was a project that would be classified as well underway.  As is always the way in life, just as I was becoming confident in my self improvement regarding this fixing issue, I am needed.  I am trying to bring the good things forward and leave the warped things behind.

And this is where my world and hers collided.  My lovely friend, who is like a sister to me has had so many tough days.  I have watched her navigate major challenges over the last 2 years non-stop.  It has been to the point where you find yourself on the other side of "what else?".  I have learned the hard way that being able to say "what else" is a luxurious place to be.  You know life has been hard when you get to the point where you would never say "What else".  You can only arrive at that destination after you have had a long series of just plain ole bad. One morning you wake up and you realize you don't dare throw your hands in the air and shout to the heavens "WHAT ELSE?".  You get that there are probably still a shit load of buckets of crap that can be flung on you.  My friend quit saying "what else?" like anyone who has taken a multi-destination hike of misfortune. Sometimes in life everything that can go wrong does.

So I spent the evening with my sister-friend.  I planned an outing.  I did the things I am good at.  She did the things she is good at. We talked a bit about what is going on in her life.  We talked about life in general.  We were who we had always been, but I think we were who we will be too.  She is fiercely  private and her current struggle is such a personal private one. She doesn't like to need but I think I heard her agree to allow herself to be needy.  At the same time she has heard my need to be a healthy giver. In a few words she seemed to negotiate a new contract between us.   As usual with her, it was simple and understated.  And as is true to who I am, I saw the complexity in what lies behind what was said.    It wasn't a complexity of negativeness, but a complexity of grace. I say that in a way of generosity of grace towards myself (maybe a future blog will be needed to explain this).

So for now this is the song that tells the story in my life.  My friend who is full of grace has mine.  I don't know what she will need from me but I am confident I can do what she needs me to do.  I am also confident that she can do what I need her to do.  I promise to give in those ways I do it best and she promises to gently guide me when I need to do it in a why that works for her.  I promise to be able to hear her say what the boundaries are and she promises open a gate when the boundary has her blocked from receiving. So me the giver and she, who needs controlled taking, I think agreed without really agreeing to a contract between us.

I don't know where she is going with this current challenge but it looks like we may not be in Kansas any more.  She is standing there waiting to find out if she will need to seek the wizard behind the curtain for some potion like answer.  If she is off to see the wizard I am ready to walk beside her like the scarecrow, the lion and the tin man. She has my knowledge, courage and love. If all is well, I will be the first to help her celebrate. Regardless, in our silences, words and deeds she can lean on me... or  not depending on the way it plays. : )


Lean on me when your not strong.
I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on.
You just call on me sister when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on.