Good People
Jack Johnson

 

 

 

It has been a strange couple of days.  I find myself trying to reconcile the events in Sandy Hook and I can't.  It isn't because I can't decide what I think.  It is because I can't think about it long enough to piece together a coherent string of events to ponder what it means.  I haven't even mustered up a good dose of hatred for ... him.  The only thing I can really process is this is complicated and too important to be a sound bite of opinion on social commentary.  These lives, all 28 of them, deserve better.

 

I cut myself off from news sources Friday evening.  I allowed myself about 40 minutes today to read online articles.  That included the minutes I needed between articles to turn my mind off and not think any further than the article stated. 

 

My prayers are that we ask hard questions of ourselves; that we do what is right.  The lives lost should not be in vain.  Everything should be on the table of public discourse.  EVERYTHING!  Better gun laws, better enforcement or both.  I don't know the answer, but I sure the hell don't want the NRA at this table.  We can't cheapen this conversation with lobbyist.  Mental Health Issues and treatment are welcome to the table as are the needs of the disabled, the Autistic and those that are bullied or troubled.  While we are at it lets bring the sensational news shows under the light of inspection.  "How did that make you feel" they asked.  It made me feel cheap and ashamed to watch you do this at tragedy after tragedy, on station after station, year after year.  You will broadcast anything, print anything that will get you a second's notice.  So far the only hate I feel is towards the messenger.  What about the teachers and staff?  God this is what it takes to get a little respect for the endless duty teachers are charged with everyday?  They do a million things besides teach.  More than one staff member did what was right.  A 5' 2 woman charged a man with a semi-automatic rifle.  How awesome a daughter someone raised. 

 

I can't even begin to mourn for the children.  I am lost in the many ways we will fail them.  I can't find the faith that we will get past our polarizations long enough to listen, compromise and fix what we can. I have lost my faith in our process, our dialogue, our being the greatest nation on Earth.  We are a soundbite society, in a headline world.  Walter Cronkrite where have you gone?

 

 

 

"Where did all the good people go.  We got heaps and heaps of what we sowed".

 

 

 

 

Pissed Off Blues

Pissed Off Blues

My mind has been leaning to the negative of late.  Sometimes I think I have reason for this, and sometimes I think it is something bigger than the specific events that frustrate me.  I am 50 plus 1 year and it is time to figure out what is going on.

My greatest frustration of late is dealing with Dell.  If you have ever dealt with them post sale with a problem, well I am sure you know all about cuckoo land.  When I say it is my greatest frustration, it is because they frustrate me so I feel like they consume me.  They make me be someone I 'don't want to be.  Do I really care about 81$  Do I really want to fight. Life is fucking short.  And that is my angst.  Really... is this the life I want?  I don't think so. And just for the record, 81$ isn't the only issue with DELL.  FUCK DELL.  Seriously pissed off.

I have 8 years before I can retire.  Now, that doesn't mean I should.  I divorced a man who made good money  after 30 years together.   I said let me out of here, write a check for $10,000  which he did and I got out.  NO REGRETS.  But I don't have much in savings.  I have a house that will bring in some money each month and a meager pension.  Yet, I could retire in 8 years and live a life a good life somewhere in Central America.  It is a dream I think.  I want to live a more simple life.  I don't want to deal with the Dell's in the world.

I went to Africa and volunteered a few years ago.  It was hard, I cried.  But I still think I want to do this.  I want to retire the day I can and go live with less.  I want to know me.  I want to unchain myself from CNN, Wal-mart, working set hours, POLITICS, people who free-load, freeways, DELL, and a life of preset expectations.  I want to go where I have never been and create a life I never imagined.  I want life to define me, not me to define life.  I want to serve in my own way.  I want to make peace with my version of Karma, Peace, Grace and Purpose.

I don't know what I  will do, well maybe I don't know exactly how to do what I want to do.  But I know this life isn't the only one I want to know.  And right now it is sorta grating  me on so many levels.  Dell just seems to be the safest one to talk about. 

So I guess I walk with the plan that I am going.  Spanish...I got to learn.   Don't spend, save... I can't take the shit I buy with me.  I guess I take a trip there to see what it is like. (Nicaragua?, Honduras?, Guatemala?, ???)  Dream could end there.  I could work on my physical health, get better at plumbing/electrical repair/ how a well works.... so there we go.  I guess I got a list of places to start. 

I think I got the pissed off blues...  but sometimes being pissed off is a great catalyst. 

“Adventure must start with running away from home”     William Bolitho 

Happy Birthday Superman

The Beatles - When I'm 64

I remember listening to this song as a teenager... 64 sounded like forever away.  Well I guess it goes by quicker than we would all have expected.  So today, I send it out to my Superman on his 64th.

August 13th 1948

Happy 64th Birthday Superman

Born just after World War II

  You were born under a waxing gibbous moon

Average Cost of new house $7,700.00

Average wages per year $2,950.00 

Cost of a gallon of Gas 16 cents

Average Cost of a new car $1,250.00

Loaf of Bread 14 cents

LB of Hamburger Meat 45 cents

Movie Ticket 60 Cents

1 million households own Televisions was 5,000 just 3 years earlier

President Harry S. Truman

United States Population: 146,631,302

You are 64 years old.

You are 23,360 days old.

You are 560,643 hours old.

You are 33,638,589 minutes old.

You are 2,018,315,340 seconds old.

Born This Year

John Ritter

Glenn Frey

Prince Charles

Alice Cooper

Al Gore

Samuel L. Jackson

James Taylor

Chart Toppers - August 13 1948

It’s Magic - Doris Day

Woody Woodpecker Song -

The Kay Kyser Orchestra (vocal: Gloria Wood & The Campus Kids)

A Tree in the Meadow - Margaret Whiting

Bouquet of Roses - Eddy Arnold

COVER OF TIME THE WEEK YOU WERE BORN

New York Times Front Page

August 13th, 1948

I Hope It Was A Good One 

Your Zombie Watching Baby

White Wine in the Sun - Tim Minchin

In a past blog I said I had made peace with Christmas.  3 Christmas Seasons back I decided to get off the Christmas Merry Go Round.  The first year I wasn't sure how it would go.  I did not set up my tree.  I did not set out all the pieces of treasures I had collected over 30 years of domestic Godess-ness.  I have the needle point ornaments I made the first year we were married. I have the ones the kids made.  I have the collection pieces that came later in life.  The toilet roll nativity scene is a great juxtaposition next to the lenox finery.  Every year as I put those things out, I felt connected to the past and a link to the future.  Would I be lost without this ritual?

In my cutting ties with the commericalization of Christmas, I did not buy presents.  None.  I baked cookies (really good cookies) for those who are important to me.  I had my children, their families, my Ex. and his girlfriend, and my boyfriend in for an exquisite meal of hand trussed fillet Mignon and creme brulee with raspberries and everything in between.  That was it.  No gifts for my grandchildren, children, special others.  None. I kept waiting that first year to panic and go out and purchase gifts.  I held tight.  I am still holding tight 3 Christmases later.

Like the singer of the song, "I Really like Christmas, and yes I have all the ususal objections to consumerism, to the commericalization of an Ancient religion, to the Westernization of a dead Palestinian, pressed into the selling of PlayStation's and Beer." All the hurry to complete the daunting lists of tasks.  It isn't for me anymore.  Don't buy me presents.  Enjoy my company, my cookies, a meal.  Your presence is my gift.  Be present in this moment, this memory. In the years that come when I am absent and you carry on the traditions... well that is the gift I gave you.  Drink little cokes, eat tea cakes, put out reindeer food, and read a new copy of "Twas the Night Before Christmas".  Go forward with the things I took forward.  That is the spirit of Christmas, not what you unwrapped.  So I no longer put the energy into the things in Christmas that don't matter.  I come to you with a soul that is rested, a mind that is clear, a bank account that isn't drained...and I am present and watch you do the Christmas Dance because it is your turn to orchestrate.

I am going home for Christmas this year.  I haven't seen my sister in 3 years, my brother in 2.  ....

"Wherever you are and whatever you face, these are the people we make you feel safe in this world....You know whatever comes, your brothers and sisters will be waiting for you in the sun whenever you come....waiting for YOU!   I really like Christmas, it's sentimental I know."

I am going to listen to Christmas songs as I drive the 1000 miles... to HOME!



Pearl Jam -Just Breathe

August 10th 2012
35 years ago today my life changed course.  I was 15. His name was Tommy.   He was my first serious boyfriend.  You have all been there.  The one that all your firsts were with.  I learned to kiss with him.  We layed in fields and watched clouds and talked about everything. Our names if we were married would vary only one letter in the whole of our names first middle and last.  One of us had an O, where the other had an A.  Almost exactly alike.  It was 35 years ago today that he killed himself.  I know now he wasn't my soul mate.  I know it would have run it's course and he would just have been a part of my life.  But that wasn't the way it turned out.  Long story short my ex-husband was his best friend.  He was a buoy on rocky seas.  He missed him too.  We were together 30 years.   We would have never married, never had our children.  I would not be who I am.  I feel sometimes like I lived decades to stabalize the shock waves that rose up that day that August day.  Other days I think it was what put me where I was supposed to be ... right where I am.  So today I just say his name on my soul.


Today a 1000 miles from my home town... I want to remember him. Good or bad, happy or sad...he REALLY changed my life.  

It's been 35 years... Peace be with you

TLW 

March 25th 1960 - August 10th 1977






Pumped Up Kicks - Acoustic Version Foster the People

I had been hearing this song and had spent a good deal of time searching the internet trying to find this song....well actually this version, of this song.  I had found the million entries of this song by Foster the People but that version was put to shame by the rich acoustic version that was stuck in my head. So I have been listening to cover after cover of this song on youtube trying to find who did this better version. Then boom, I find it was the original group in a different format... and that brought me to this blog entry.

We all have different formats in us.  I visited with an old friend this week. Always enjoy long talks with her.  I always understand myself better after talking with her.  She ask me a question this week that I didn't know the answer to until she asked and I answered. Maybe I understand more because she asks the right questions, more than the advice she gives; maybe both.  So she was asking me about my path with my partner.  I guess most would call him boyfriend but that seems so unfitting.  She asked what was next.  I assume that meant the normal options, cohabitation, engaged, married????? But I loved my immediate answer better.  So what comes next she asked with candor?  I answered... "What life brings us!".  I have no idea what that is and I am okay with that.  For the first time ever I feel confident to let life flow, knowing that he and I can adapt. No need to control, no need to wonder what if.  No need to doubt if he can weather a storm. 

I think I have found the acoustic format of my life...it's richness is not lost on me.  : )