White Wine in the Sun - Tim Minchin

In a past blog I said I had made peace with Christmas.  3 Christmas Seasons back I decided to get off the Christmas Merry Go Round.  The first year I wasn't sure how it would go.  I did not set up my tree.  I did not set out all the pieces of treasures I had collected over 30 years of domestic Godess-ness.  I have the needle point ornaments I made the first year we were married. I have the ones the kids made.  I have the collection pieces that came later in life.  The toilet roll nativity scene is a great juxtaposition next to the lenox finery.  Every year as I put those things out, I felt connected to the past and a link to the future.  Would I be lost without this ritual?

In my cutting ties with the commericalization of Christmas, I did not buy presents.  None.  I baked cookies (really good cookies) for those who are important to me.  I had my children, their families, my Ex. and his girlfriend, and my boyfriend in for an exquisite meal of hand trussed fillet Mignon and creme brulee with raspberries and everything in between.  That was it.  No gifts for my grandchildren, children, special others.  None. I kept waiting that first year to panic and go out and purchase gifts.  I held tight.  I am still holding tight 3 Christmases later.

Like the singer of the song, "I Really like Christmas, and yes I have all the ususal objections to consumerism, to the commericalization of an Ancient religion, to the Westernization of a dead Palestinian, pressed into the selling of PlayStation's and Beer." All the hurry to complete the daunting lists of tasks.  It isn't for me anymore.  Don't buy me presents.  Enjoy my company, my cookies, a meal.  Your presence is my gift.  Be present in this moment, this memory. In the years that come when I am absent and you carry on the traditions... well that is the gift I gave you.  Drink little cokes, eat tea cakes, put out reindeer food, and read a new copy of "Twas the Night Before Christmas".  Go forward with the things I took forward.  That is the spirit of Christmas, not what you unwrapped.  So I no longer put the energy into the things in Christmas that don't matter.  I come to you with a soul that is rested, a mind that is clear, a bank account that isn't drained...and I am present and watch you do the Christmas Dance because it is your turn to orchestrate.

I am going home for Christmas this year.  I haven't seen my sister in 3 years, my brother in 2.  ....

"Wherever you are and whatever you face, these are the people we make you feel safe in this world....You know whatever comes, your brothers and sisters will be waiting for you in the sun whenever you come....waiting for YOU!   I really like Christmas, it's sentimental I know."

I am going to listen to Christmas songs as I drive the 1000 miles... to HOME!



Pearl Jam -Just Breathe

August 10th 2012
35 years ago today my life changed course.  I was 15. His name was Tommy.   He was my first serious boyfriend.  You have all been there.  The one that all your firsts were with.  I learned to kiss with him.  We layed in fields and watched clouds and talked about everything. Our names if we were married would vary only one letter in the whole of our names first middle and last.  One of us had an O, where the other had an A.  Almost exactly alike.  It was 35 years ago today that he killed himself.  I know now he wasn't my soul mate.  I know it would have run it's course and he would just have been a part of my life.  But that wasn't the way it turned out.  Long story short my ex-husband was his best friend.  He was a buoy on rocky seas.  He missed him too.  We were together 30 years.   We would have never married, never had our children.  I would not be who I am.  I feel sometimes like I lived decades to stabalize the shock waves that rose up that day that August day.  Other days I think it was what put me where I was supposed to be ... right where I am.  So today I just say his name on my soul.


Today a 1000 miles from my home town... I want to remember him. Good or bad, happy or sad...he REALLY changed my life.  

It's been 35 years... Peace be with you

TLW 

March 25th 1960 - August 10th 1977






Pumped Up Kicks - Acoustic Version Foster the People

I had been hearing this song and had spent a good deal of time searching the internet trying to find this song....well actually this version, of this song.  I had found the million entries of this song by Foster the People but that version was put to shame by the rich acoustic version that was stuck in my head. So I have been listening to cover after cover of this song on youtube trying to find who did this better version. Then boom, I find it was the original group in a different format... and that brought me to this blog entry.

We all have different formats in us.  I visited with an old friend this week. Always enjoy long talks with her.  I always understand myself better after talking with her.  She ask me a question this week that I didn't know the answer to until she asked and I answered. Maybe I understand more because she asks the right questions, more than the advice she gives; maybe both.  So she was asking me about my path with my partner.  I guess most would call him boyfriend but that seems so unfitting.  She asked what was next.  I assume that meant the normal options, cohabitation, engaged, married????? But I loved my immediate answer better.  So what comes next she asked with candor?  I answered... "What life brings us!".  I have no idea what that is and I am okay with that.  For the first time ever I feel confident to let life flow, knowing that he and I can adapt. No need to control, no need to wonder what if.  No need to doubt if he can weather a storm. 

I think I have found the acoustic format of my life...it's richness is not lost on me.  : )

Kind and Generous - Natalie Merchant

It is the first day of a long winter break ... Thank you!

I was up before dawn and I got to welcome the break of day driving through my country backroads when this song came on my car music box....Thank you!

My big chore in life today is to meander around my house and bake cookies....16 doz cookies and listen to Christmas music while I have a beverage or two...and keep the fire going in the fireplace.... it is a peaceful way I have learned to relate to Christmas ....Thank you!

My house is clean and cozy and it is my peaceful haven.  I have known more peace in this house in 4 years than I have ever known in my life.... Thank you....Thank you! (This one deserves a second Thank you)

I have my health and my life has reminded me lately to understand the dept of that sentence.  I have been more committed to my health this year.  I feel motivated to continue this in to the next year of my life....Thank you!

My kids are grown and making their way in life.  They have loving relationships in their lives.  They still call me just to talk and they are boys...It is not true that boys leave you when they meet their girl. I love them beyond belief for maintaing a close and loving course with me....  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!  (THANK YOU X's three needed here)

I found this quote, " A boy makes a girl jealous of other women, a Man makes other women jealous of his girl."  I finally got the latter ... One of my girlfriends always says..."OK, what is the best thing he has done lately.  The best part is I have to stop and think "which thing was best?"...I have more than one to pick from.... Thank you Thank you!

I have friends who are good in a crisis, Fun on short notice, and loyal through it all.  THANK YOU! (A BIG Thank you required here)

I have a sister who is my compass, my friend, my mother, my connection to the past and a joy in the present.... Thank you!! (She is in need of a double !)

I live with my little dog, who is dumber than a bag of rocks.  He is a short bus super hero.  He is Honey Bastard, Shitty Bill, Max, Kraizy....he is so many little dogs all in one so he has a list of names.  He cracks me up and is my companion...Thank you!

I know I have the ability for my own personal greatness.  I am growing more comfortable in my own skin.  I have clarity, peace and purpose in my life.  I also have a vision for when life decides it is time to shift.  All I can really say these days is ....Thank you Thank you Thankyou,  Thank you Thank you!

Everything - Ben Harper

I have been in a crazy assed mother fucking place these last 48 hours.  I have slept little...very little.  My feelings are on my sleeve.  FUCK that my heart is on my sleeve.  I am lost and found all in the matter of a nano second.  The only thing that is true to me right now is my music.  I sit here and this the most wonderful man I ever met (besides my father) isn't true and I thougth he was.  I think it is time to let him go.  is true, I just had to come to a place to need him and then find my way to trust that he could be who he was sure he already was.  But that isn't even the reason for this post. I am just trying to say what a crazy place I find myself.

I have been mad at everyone I love.  I am mad that an email BAMMED me so unexpectedly.  It was a sucker punch. I am mad that at 2:30 in the morning without a soul in sight I hear the D word.  I am mad that I did not have enough inside to even see that the sender of that email had been sucker punched and BAMMED a million times more than me....  I am mad at myself that I could not see past my own hurt.  And I am really mad that a man I thought was different,  isn't.  I am gonna face this alone...again, alone.  Okay I was wrong...He stood up a million times better than I thought possible.

Again not the reason for this post....just explaining why this song moved me this am to a torrent of tears from someone who doesn't cry.   I have spent another night walking the floor good for a moment, not good for a bit.  NOthing I can do about it.  And then just about as dawn breaks this song comes on. And the first line gets me...

"Behind all of your tears there is a smile.  Behind all of the rain there is  sunshine for miles and miles."

Yes...yes there is .

"You mean everything to me"

Yes, yes you do.

Over these last couple of days you have been "my first thought in the morning".  You have been my last thought "before I rest my eyes"

Yes, yes you have.

You mean everything to me, yes you do. 

I just love her so much and I sorta lost sight of that for the last couple of days.  Running the shit through my head, but not my heart.  The long and short of it, is it will be a long ride and yet a shortened one. The only thing I know, is I would not change a thing.  I would walk this walk with her.  I would chose her all over again.  I would face being disappointed by a man I didn't think would dissappoint me. (But it turns out I didn't have to...He was my rock!)  I would .... I would .... I would.   She means everything to me and behind our tears, hers, mine, her sisters, my sisters, our friends... we would because of the smile behind it all.  She is the smile. The laughter, the deep converstations, the adventures and the tears I would, we would all over again.  Except for Chicken Shit.  I already forgot his name.  (That was because Chicken Shit only existed in my mind.  I pushed him away without ever giving him a chance to "hold me up".  But he did and I let him.  I think that was my final letting go of my past.  It was an ephiany, a shift, a goodbye and a hello moment all in one.  I under-estimated him and myself...Lesson learned, I won't do that again). 

So I stand here knowing it is time to pick myself up, set my head clear and find the direction she has set... It is time to move past tears...there are still smiles and tomorrows in our future.  There is still sunshine for miles and miles.

Comes A Time

Comes a Time -Neil Young 1989

So my day started early today.  I had coffee with a friend.  I knew there was something coming when she made the request. I made her this sorta silly un-promise in a kinda non-conversation one spring night before things changed.  I had agreed to let her lead into something neither of us really understood the depth of.  She had cancer.  I feared losing her and I spent a weekend crying until I could come up fighting ...yet following.  So I didn't ask why she wanted to have coffee at 7 am on a Monday morning.  She isn't a morning person.  I was on to her, but I was blind sided anyway.

As life often is; a variety of troubles had to add to the mix.  Life though lovely is always complex.  Well she weathered those days and did it most graciously.  Or maybe it was that she kept a distance, taking the worst of it on her own.  The news recently was good and I let go of the long sigh I had been holding in. I let my guard down a tiny wee bit.  I hold my big cards close to my chest. She, I learned today is a big card. I am losing her and in a way to cancer.  I think her experience this spring set in motion the things she thought she'd like to do and moved them to the category of things she was going to do. I guess she woke up and decided to quit sleep walking through life (as we have discussed we are both prone to do). She has decided the time has come to direct her days, not to just pass from one to the next.  I see now that she gets that you can never really start over in the same old place.  So she is going to move several states away and be deliberate with the minutes and hours in a day, not the weeks and months of routine that had been adding up to a year.   It will hurt to let go, but it will hurt more to hold her. 

So as I thought of letting go today, I had some sad thougths. But I think the sadest part was feeling like I had lost an anchor to where I live.  It is no secret, I am not really at home here in this place.  It is rural and country and bible belt in bush country.  It is not me.  I can take the country, but not here.  Today it was like one of the ropes holding me here snapped.  I think that is the hard part.  She made here tolerable.

I had to drive to my Superman's house to borrow his old red truck to move some furniture around.  So I drove over after work and we were sitting on the couch and I told him...you are what holds me here.  Now any that know me, know I have struggled with my feelings for this man.  But today, I realized I learned my own lesson from cancer.  If you have someone you love, love em.  It doesn't matter what you call it, it doesn't matter what you say.  Just be true.  So as I told him, he said that is a lot of responsibility you are laying  on me.  He didn't say it like he was trying to widdle out of something, but like he understood I felt bound to him by my own thoughts.  I told him it wasn't no responsibility, just how I felt. He smiled but I knew he would.

So today in this craizy (yes, that is deliberate) roller coaster ride... I have let go and held on. It seems..."comes a time when we are drifting, comes a time when you settle down ... comes a time...comes a time.

I wish you the best Sister Friend...Anchor girl!

Life by the Drop - Stevie Ray Vaughn

Life by the Drop - Stevie Ray Vaughn

I love this song and it holds a very important story in my life.  One I haven't shared. But on this my 50th birthday, It is one of my most special songs. This song is the story of the day I found out I could live MY life.  So no details on this chapter, but I share the song that moved me. Lana, I don't know how you got lost, but I could not turn 50 and not think of this song.  Only you know the story. Peace be with you.


God Danced the Day You Were Born - Guy Forsyth

Thought, if you believe in God, a God, Any God...then your life was a gift.  It occurs to me that I would never want to squander such a beautiful gift.  Love the life you live, it is a GIFT.

Stop Children What's That Sound - CSNY

When I was 15 or 16, I stripped and waxed a liquor store, including bathrooms to get this Album.  You can't be my age and not have this song take you back.  It was a radical time.  It seemed scary at times.  Now what seems scary is that I don't hear teenagers caring about much of anything.  They are so busy being tethered to an electronic device that they are consumed by their own lives.  That is my rant as a newly old person.  But to be honest I wouldn't strip and wax a floor for 20 albums.  Maybe I am younger than I think LOL

Watching the River Run - Loggins and Messina

I can remember listening to this song in my late teens, just as I was beginning to realize that school days don't last forever.  I would soon learn that those friends would fade too.  This song is the hope of love starting new, "Don't feel alone anymore, when we are together I got a lot".  It also waxes nostalgic... "Further and further from the things that we have done, leaving them one by one".  I think my life is at the part where it says... "listening and learning and yearning, run river run".  I am willing to wade out in the water and let it take me where it wants.  Run River Run!

I Only Want the Things That Matter - Guy Forsyth

I wrote a post on this song some months ago, I was not comfortable with it and hit delete.  But I am ready now.  I have taken a step I did not think I had in me.  I now see with out the step, I would not be who I want to be.  SM Thank you for giving me your GRACE....It's pure SOULSHINE!


Turning 50 needed more than one song.  I put in one per decade...and even that was a paring down.