Kind and Generous - Natalie Merchant

It is the first day of a long winter break ... Thank you!

I was up before dawn and I got to welcome the break of day driving through my country backroads when this song came on my car music box....Thank you!

My big chore in life today is to meander around my house and bake cookies....16 doz cookies and listen to Christmas music while I have a beverage or two...and keep the fire going in the fireplace.... it is a peaceful way I have learned to relate to Christmas ....Thank you!

My house is clean and cozy and it is my peaceful haven.  I have known more peace in this house in 4 years than I have ever known in my life.... Thank you....Thank you! (This one deserves a second Thank you)

I have my health and my life has reminded me lately to understand the dept of that sentence.  I have been more committed to my health this year.  I feel motivated to continue this in to the next year of my life....Thank you!

My kids are grown and making their way in life.  They have loving relationships in their lives.  They still call me just to talk and they are boys...It is not true that boys leave you when they meet their girl. I love them beyond belief for maintaing a close and loving course with me....  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!  (THANK YOU X's three needed here)

I found this quote, " A boy makes a girl jealous of other women, a Man makes other women jealous of his girl."  I finally got the latter ... One of my girlfriends always says..."OK, what is the best thing he has done lately.  The best part is I have to stop and think "which thing was best?"...I have more than one to pick from.... Thank you Thank you!

I have friends who are good in a crisis, Fun on short notice, and loyal through it all.  THANK YOU! (A BIG Thank you required here)

I have a sister who is my compass, my friend, my mother, my connection to the past and a joy in the present.... Thank you!! (She is in need of a double !)

I live with my little dog, who is dumber than a bag of rocks.  He is a short bus super hero.  He is Honey Bastard, Shitty Bill, Max, Kraizy....he is so many little dogs all in one so he has a list of names.  He cracks me up and is my companion...Thank you!

I know I have the ability for my own personal greatness.  I am growing more comfortable in my own skin.  I have clarity, peace and purpose in my life.  I also have a vision for when life decides it is time to shift.  All I can really say these days is ....Thank you Thank you Thankyou,  Thank you Thank you!

Everything - Ben Harper

I have been in a crazy assed mother fucking place these last 48 hours.  I have slept little...very little.  My feelings are on my sleeve.  FUCK that my heart is on my sleeve.  I am lost and found all in the matter of a nano second.  The only thing that is true to me right now is my music.  I sit here and this the most wonderful man I ever met (besides my father) isn't true and I thougth he was.  I think it is time to let him go.  is true, I just had to come to a place to need him and then find my way to trust that he could be who he was sure he already was.  But that isn't even the reason for this post. I am just trying to say what a crazy place I find myself.

I have been mad at everyone I love.  I am mad that an email BAMMED me so unexpectedly.  It was a sucker punch. I am mad that at 2:30 in the morning without a soul in sight I hear the D word.  I am mad that I did not have enough inside to even see that the sender of that email had been sucker punched and BAMMED a million times more than me....  I am mad at myself that I could not see past my own hurt.  And I am really mad that a man I thought was different,  isn't.  I am gonna face this alone...again, alone.  Okay I was wrong...He stood up a million times better than I thought possible.

Again not the reason for this post....just explaining why this song moved me this am to a torrent of tears from someone who doesn't cry.   I have spent another night walking the floor good for a moment, not good for a bit.  NOthing I can do about it.  And then just about as dawn breaks this song comes on. And the first line gets me...

"Behind all of your tears there is a smile.  Behind all of the rain there is  sunshine for miles and miles."

Yes...yes there is .

"You mean everything to me"

Yes, yes you do.

Over these last couple of days you have been "my first thought in the morning".  You have been my last thought "before I rest my eyes"

Yes, yes you have.

You mean everything to me, yes you do. 

I just love her so much and I sorta lost sight of that for the last couple of days.  Running the shit through my head, but not my heart.  The long and short of it, is it will be a long ride and yet a shortened one. The only thing I know, is I would not change a thing.  I would walk this walk with her.  I would chose her all over again.  I would face being disappointed by a man I didn't think would dissappoint me. (But it turns out I didn't have to...He was my rock!)  I would .... I would .... I would.   She means everything to me and behind our tears, hers, mine, her sisters, my sisters, our friends... we would because of the smile behind it all.  She is the smile. The laughter, the deep converstations, the adventures and the tears I would, we would all over again.  Except for Chicken Shit.  I already forgot his name.  (That was because Chicken Shit only existed in my mind.  I pushed him away without ever giving him a chance to "hold me up".  But he did and I let him.  I think that was my final letting go of my past.  It was an ephiany, a shift, a goodbye and a hello moment all in one.  I under-estimated him and myself...Lesson learned, I won't do that again). 

So I stand here knowing it is time to pick myself up, set my head clear and find the direction she has set... It is time to move past tears...there are still smiles and tomorrows in our future.  There is still sunshine for miles and miles.

Comes A Time

Comes a Time -Neil Young 1989

So my day started early today.  I had coffee with a friend.  I knew there was something coming when she made the request. I made her this sorta silly un-promise in a kinda non-conversation one spring night before things changed.  I had agreed to let her lead into something neither of us really understood the depth of.  She had cancer.  I feared losing her and I spent a weekend crying until I could come up fighting ...yet following.  So I didn't ask why she wanted to have coffee at 7 am on a Monday morning.  She isn't a morning person.  I was on to her, but I was blind sided anyway.

As life often is; a variety of troubles had to add to the mix.  Life though lovely is always complex.  Well she weathered those days and did it most graciously.  Or maybe it was that she kept a distance, taking the worst of it on her own.  The news recently was good and I let go of the long sigh I had been holding in. I let my guard down a tiny wee bit.  I hold my big cards close to my chest. She, I learned today is a big card. I am losing her and in a way to cancer.  I think her experience this spring set in motion the things she thought she'd like to do and moved them to the category of things she was going to do. I guess she woke up and decided to quit sleep walking through life (as we have discussed we are both prone to do). She has decided the time has come to direct her days, not to just pass from one to the next.  I see now that she gets that you can never really start over in the same old place.  So she is going to move several states away and be deliberate with the minutes and hours in a day, not the weeks and months of routine that had been adding up to a year.   It will hurt to let go, but it will hurt more to hold her. 

So as I thought of letting go today, I had some sad thougths. But I think the sadest part was feeling like I had lost an anchor to where I live.  It is no secret, I am not really at home here in this place.  It is rural and country and bible belt in bush country.  It is not me.  I can take the country, but not here.  Today it was like one of the ropes holding me here snapped.  I think that is the hard part.  She made here tolerable.

I had to drive to my Superman's house to borrow his old red truck to move some furniture around.  So I drove over after work and we were sitting on the couch and I told him...you are what holds me here.  Now any that know me, know I have struggled with my feelings for this man.  But today, I realized I learned my own lesson from cancer.  If you have someone you love, love em.  It doesn't matter what you call it, it doesn't matter what you say.  Just be true.  So as I told him, he said that is a lot of responsibility you are laying  on me.  He didn't say it like he was trying to widdle out of something, but like he understood I felt bound to him by my own thoughts.  I told him it wasn't no responsibility, just how I felt. He smiled but I knew he would.

So today in this craizy (yes, that is deliberate) roller coaster ride... I have let go and held on. It seems..."comes a time when we are drifting, comes a time when you settle down ... comes a time...comes a time.

I wish you the best Sister Friend...Anchor girl!

Life by the Drop - Stevie Ray Vaughn

Life by the Drop - Stevie Ray Vaughn

I love this song and it holds a very important story in my life.  One I haven't shared. But on this my 50th birthday, It is one of my most special songs. This song is the story of the day I found out I could live MY life.  So no details on this chapter, but I share the song that moved me. Lana, I don't know how you got lost, but I could not turn 50 and not think of this song.  Only you know the story. Peace be with you.


God Danced the Day You Were Born - Guy Forsyth

Thought, if you believe in God, a God, Any God...then your life was a gift.  It occurs to me that I would never want to squander such a beautiful gift.  Love the life you live, it is a GIFT.

Stop Children What's That Sound - CSNY

When I was 15 or 16, I stripped and waxed a liquor store, including bathrooms to get this Album.  You can't be my age and not have this song take you back.  It was a radical time.  It seemed scary at times.  Now what seems scary is that I don't hear teenagers caring about much of anything.  They are so busy being tethered to an electronic device that they are consumed by their own lives.  That is my rant as a newly old person.  But to be honest I wouldn't strip and wax a floor for 20 albums.  Maybe I am younger than I think LOL

Watching the River Run - Loggins and Messina

I can remember listening to this song in my late teens, just as I was beginning to realize that school days don't last forever.  I would soon learn that those friends would fade too.  This song is the hope of love starting new, "Don't feel alone anymore, when we are together I got a lot".  It also waxes nostalgic... "Further and further from the things that we have done, leaving them one by one".  I think my life is at the part where it says... "listening and learning and yearning, run river run".  I am willing to wade out in the water and let it take me where it wants.  Run River Run!

I Only Want the Things That Matter - Guy Forsyth

I wrote a post on this song some months ago, I was not comfortable with it and hit delete.  But I am ready now.  I have taken a step I did not think I had in me.  I now see with out the step, I would not be who I want to be.  SM Thank you for giving me your GRACE....It's pure SOULSHINE!


Turning 50 needed more than one song.  I put in one per decade...and even that was a paring down.

Summertime - Janis Joplin & Guy Forsyth

Summertime - Janis

Summertime - Guy

I live in Texas.  We have had a record setting summer. We are on our 25th straight day over 100 and and have accumulated an additional 10 days or so that hit the century mark for the summer...so far.  Add to that a record setting drought and it has been one hot and hard summer.  The headline in the local news about a week ago said "A Hurricaine might be a good thing for the Texas Gulf Coast"....say what???  Leaves are falling off trees and grass has long been withered. 
One might think it has been officially summer for a while now and I might agree, but it was officially SUMMER this week at my house.  Every year you reach a period sometime in late August when you can climb in the shower and never turn on a drop of HOT water, and still feel like the water is too warm.  That day was Tuesday of this week.  Now really what does one do if you sweat in the shower?  Seems to defeat the purpose.  The hard part is September is still truly a summer month.  I think September is the hardest.  Having grown up well north of my present location, September is the month you start to get cool mornings and a few cool days.  NOT in Texas.  September is like a 2nd August.  Which reminds me of a Texas weather joke...There are two seasons in Texas, Summer ........and January.  
This is our cabin fever time.  We all race to the comfort of our AC.  We don't want to go out.  Grocery shopping is a drag, lugging all that stuff to and fro to the car and then again into the house.  Besides who wants to eat when it is this hot?
I have had my fair share of Sonic Strawberry fresh fruit slushies and have come to love those frozen peach margaritas they sell at the grocery store.  I keep a big old thick stem glass in the freezer.  I grew up drinking RC colas at my grandmothers house out of that glass.  They came out of soap powder boxes. It seems to add to the treat! Holding that really cold glass adds to the heat relief.
Hurricanes, heat and frozen drinks...it MUST be SUMMERTIME

Why Walk When You Can Fly - Mary Chapin Carpenter

I remember listening to this CD during the winter, a cold one in Kentucky.  The kids were still young.  I worked part time and I was happy being a mother.  It was the first thing I found that I loved beyond my limits. That was a simple sentence, yet when I saw it as it appeared, I was hit by the depth of the of it deep inside. I loved those cold days where we stayed in our jammies all day.  We fought Gargoyles and watched old Abbott and Costello movies on VHS. I made lunches that had shaped sandwiches and laughed watching the two of them be BOYS. My sanity was to have music floating throughout the house.  I seldom do country, but this CD seemed to settle well.  Winter music is so different from summer music or spring.  Fall is also distinct. But Winter always was a little slower, a little deeper.  I don't remember what I thought in response to this CD, but it does stir me now.  I came across it by doing some online reading.  The good thing of no TV is that I do spend more time finding things to enlighten myself.  No I am not searching for self help, but just reading about sailing or how to bake a tart.  Sometimes I write things in my BB to look up later.  One on the list right now is "Are there fewer lightening bugs now than when I was a kid?".  So in a meander of some other searches I came across this song and decided to listen to it. I was thrown back to the days of my early parenting years.  Today, I can hear the words and have time to listen and think about who I am.  Who I want to be.
I think this song says it so well.  I know that in the coming months I think my new yardstick question will be "Why walk when you can fly".  I have been trying to think about a radical shift in how I live.  I spend without thought.  I am taking care of business, but my life is not leaving me room for my passion. I want to travel.  More than anything I value experiences.  It is my passion.  I am not talking staying in a hotel.  I want to have a more organic experience.  SO this song reminds me...With the rest of the time you are given, why walk when you can fly".  Do I really want the vase or do I want to have 8 dollars to travel. Do I really want a 40$ pedicure or Nicaraguan summer? I don't know what I will do yet.  It is on my mind.  This song helps me think about it with a point of view.  I don't want to take when I could be giving. So I guess I have some thinking to do.  Some more reading to do.  I love the line in the song, "In this world you have a soul for a compass, and a heart for a pair of wings".  So really, does that vase give me anything? I have to think what do I want, really want.

The last lines of the song make me think.  It was 20 years ago I was raising children listening to this song as background noise in the middle of happy chaos.  Now it reminds me it is time to be in a new happy chaos. 
"There's a star on the far horizon
Rising bright in the azure sky
For the rest of the time you're given
Why walk when you can fly"

Theme Music - Tree of Life

 

I went out tonight to see Tree of Life with one of my friends.  I need to see it again.  I have come home and my head is tossing information back and forth to find my take on a movie that is more like a book.  I say like a book, because it seems littered with themes and signposts to help the viewer question themselves as they decide what they saw, felt, wondered.  Each viewer will see something different, ask something different.

My friend did not care for the movie.  For me it was perfection.

Clearly the beginning lays out that we have two main thoughts on life.  We have God, Grace, and Love, (Creationism) and on the other we have Nature, Challenge and Logical Rhythms (Evolution). How you build your story will be up to the viewer based on their own lives and emotional path currently.  The music above is the same.  It has rhythmic circles, followed by billowy slowed passages, that come together in the end, intertwined.  Finally,as in the music,  Jack finds the balance between his logical constructing self and his emotional self...granting himself forgiveness. Grace. Love. God (Concept Fluid). 
I wasn't sure about how his brother died.  My friend seem to think he killed himself.  I should have asked her why she thought that.  I had drank a lot and I must confess although riveted...I had to sneak out for a ...slight break.  Maybe I missed something.  I thought he had been killed at war.  I assumed that as it looked like the man delivering the envelope wanted to leave it and go.  I assumed he knew it was "the telegram".  I need to see the movie again now that I grasp it. I have so many things I need more thought on. Oh how I loved the way the film conveyed the pure love of a first born in the first months of life. It made me remember the awe of my love as a new parent. The film leads you to lay your own memories out sparking your own heart.

The use of water was interesting.  The beautiful waves seemed full of life and promise.  The same water brought death to a child.  The views of the heavens in all the glory of Hubble photos sat next to the radiant sunflowers growing afield. Are these proofs of a wonderful God, or has nature wrought its self in perfection?
And lastly the movie seems to beg the viewer to question what does the choice of Grace or Nature mean to the individual.  Making one look at their own circumstance for answers. If Grace is the path, we are part of something bigger than ourselves.  We are created in the image of love and love flows through our lives (the mother).  If we choose nature, we live in circles that spin out of logic, and challenge.  We are somewhat insignificantly thrown in the mix.  Random. Cold. (the father).  The film seems to suggest Jack finds his balance.  But first he had to look at his self and ask... am I who I want to be.  His father has to come to terms with his own choices.  It reminded me of the the song
Cat's Cradle", his son had grown up just like him.  He had no great love or compassion for him.

Ahhh but these are just a few of the conversations taking place in my head. I have got to see this one again.  Only I think I will wait until it comes out on Netflix.  I want to see it with out the background slow snore heard in the theater. 

And to my GF....you can pick the next one.  : )

What I so wonderfully loved about this movie is that it has made me began a dialogue with myself.

Losing My Touch - Keith Richards

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMxa_Xebbrw

Losing My Touch

I love this song.  I know it is melancholy, but it is beautiful.  It is one of those songs that just sounds lovely.  Sometimes when down, I might go down that other road, but most of the time I just hear the beauty in this song.

I love the gravely-ness of Keith Richards.  I can also see how aging to a rock star might lay a heavy layer on ones being.  Knocking on 50's door myself, I can't help but identify with the reality of aging.  I for one see it in good ways.  I am losing my touch with a lot of things, but most of them I am glad to lay down.

I don't want to be 20 forever.  There was so much to learn, some of it, much of it the hard way.  Things were always needed.  Acquiring would be the word of that decade.  At 20 I was already years into a marriage.  I would become a mother twice.  I would go back to school and earn a nursing degree. Bought my first car, followed by a  house.  It is a blur.  NOW I know that.  I apply that to today and I try to remember I don't have to run anymore and that I want to be in the moment.  I learned that from my 20's.

I was 30.  That decade is the biggest blur in my life.  I remember little specifically during those years.  I lost my parents near the beginning of that decade.  I raised kids, worked as a nurse in critical care and thought ...well I thought a lot of things.  I listened to none of the truths in my heart.   Instead I listened to my pride, my vanity and my ambition.  I don't have to be ambitious anymore and I want to just do a good job.  Knowing that takes the pressure off myself to be perfect.  That pressure has made me an ugly person at times.  At 50 I can bring my art of nursing to my job and let the rule makers rule. I care more and worry less. I learned that from my 30's

There was 40.  40 had some good points at the beginning.  The kids  were almost grown.  Money was stable.  I started the decade good but push came to shove.  He pushed and shoving off seemed an appropriate choice for me.  In the middle there was years of fighting, screaming, hating, holding on.  The intensity was brutal most of this decade.  It was a crazy roller coaster ride.  So at 50 I seek sanity in myself and those around me.  I have learned, I don't like the roller coaster as much as I once did.  I learned that from my 40's.

So yeah, I am losing my touch.  I am embracing the calm.  Call it old, call it what you want.  I call it happiness.

Lean On Me 2.0

Lean on Me - Bill Withers

It is late, 1:30 am and I have a full robust day tomorrow.  I start my day with a meeting...8:05.  So there is no room to call in late.  I have several meetings and need to run on my lunch break to go pick up prizes for an employee wellness program I chair.  It is one of my many assignments.  Then back for afternoon directors meeting, and then a post work day retirement party to be followed by a board meeting.  Hopefully back home by 8:30 tomorrow evening.  I say not to complain, it is to give reference to the words yet to grace this page.  

So it is late, and getting later and I have a full-tilt boogie day tomorrow and I have something to say.  I have the dearest of friend and I am trying to learn to support at a distance.  The bad part about that is doing comforts me. So this evening and several evenings of late...I try to learn how.  What I end up doing is watching a movie and wishing she could sit on my couch and watch it with me.  We could eat chocolate and live in la la land. But for now we can't and I need to learn.  I am supposed to learn.

Tonight I started with some pandora and song after song brought her into my heart.  I laughed when I remembered being her nurse when she drank too much at a Guy Forsyth show.  And I didn't begrudge her one drop.  I was glad then to have her back.  Sometimes a girl has just got to party til she pukes.  She did! She lost her shoe in the bar.  She talked Nasty to someone on the phone and was just trashed.  It was thinking about that, when the above song came on.  It made me think about how we lean on each other in our own ways. 

Lord knows she carried me over some damn dark days.  She also dealt with my tail chasing; although I know it confounds her.  So I guess that is friendship; taking each other as they are, when they are, where they are.  Life is just a big ole ball we volley back and forth.  Sometimes you spike it and sometimes you fault on a serve.  A good girl friend backs you up ... so tonight, I am leaning on my friend only she didn't know we spent the evening together.  I just spent it thinking, weaving her in my evening.  It wasn't a sad thing, it was just making sure as I do from a distance I don't let her be too far from me.   We have some good memories.  I was leaning on those til we can make some more.

And so I make my way across a set of days and will be ready with Dinner for her to take home. And I am learning to have balance.  Today I worked in the garden.  I am growing sunflowers and everytime one blooms I remember the awesomeness of creation.  And I learn.

But I hope she knows when my work plate empties out in about a week...she may have to take my cooking two nights a week.  I am learning...but I am pretending to be a slow learner.  hehe....

Night Aine!

How Sweet It Is (To be Loved by You)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSQdRz-HlJw

How Sweet It Is - James Taylor

I have been listening to this song for a lot of years.  I never really gave it a lot of thought until today.  Today this song says what I have already said in several texts to my Superman.  So I think the song says it best.

"How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you

I needed the shelter of someone's arms and there you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs and there you were
With sweet love and devotion
Deeply touching my emotion
I want to stop and thank you baby
I just want to stop and thank you baby

How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
It feels so fine

I close my eyes at night
Wondering where would I be without you in my life
Everything I did was just a bore
Everywhere I went it seems I'd been there before
But you brighten up for me all of my days
With a love so sweet in so many ways
I want to stop and thank you baby
I just want to stop and thank you baby

How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
It is just like sugar sometimes

You were better for me than I was for myself
For me, there's you and there ain't nobody else
I want to stop and thank you baby
I just want to stop and thank you baby

How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
It's like jelly baby"

I have been struggling to figure out my feelings for him.  Todaymy blog is about what I know.  This man loves me!  This man is better for me than I am for myself.  He doesn't need me to define what I feel for him.  He can tell me he loves me, when he knows I will not be able to meet those words with reciprocity.  So my words are in this song.  Every word in this song is from me to him. 

Superman.... how sweet it is to be loved by you! And thanks for saying it, meaning it and repeating it when you know I can't! <3

I Miss My Mary Mae - Guy Forsyth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YAG8ogh5hM&playnext=1&list=PLDEB6A1AE55D4ADB4

GRACE: Kindness, favor, mercy, benevolence, leniency, blessing, honor, beautify

I said to my sister-friend the other day that grace comes from everywhere.  Since then it is like I am so much more aware of the abundance of GRACE provided in life. Today began with a violent cry.  I think that is everything in that category!  I went to work and found delight in children today.  Children are a balm of GRACE. 

To continue with that child/balm/GRACE theme, it is Thursday.  Thursday has a rhythm in my life.  It is my day I eat the same lunch.  Every Thursday I have grilled catfish, macaroni & cheese and mashed potatoes, extra tartar hold the cocktail sauce.  After work I load up my dog and drive to see my college student son.  I cook a homemade meal.  I meet him at his apartment and we eat together.  We do nothing special.  We just remember we love each other.  He is my baby so we have a close relationship.  He is the most soothing thing I have ever known in my life. Children are a balm of GRACE.

When I got home I decided to listen to some music.   I had a little playlist that includes songs that I have sat and listened to with my sister-friend.  I wasn’t sure I could do it this evening, but I did and as has been the habit I found layer upon layer of GRACE in the songs of Carolyn Wonderland and Guy Forsyth.  I hope you dear reader will connect to the link and watch this amazing song.   It caught me deep when he sang those feelings from his heart.   I can’t really share that; it is a little close to the bone.  I am not even sure I can really look at it right now. But I know this wonderful song; about the awe found in a daughter gave me peace.  Children are a balm of GRACE.

 What I know is today, children have held me.  

This song- This artist made me smile, when I was struggling to do so.

I am thankful for those things that can soothe me and hope the universe will continue to fling these little life preservers my way. 

Lean On Me - Bill Withers

Lean On Me

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPoTGyWT0Cg

I have been in a growth spot the last 6 months.  I have gotten past the failure of my marriage and I am coming to terms with the fact that a failed marriage does not make me a failure.  I have come out whole but a bit dysfunctional.  Well let me rephrase that. I have realized my dysfunction is partly to blame for the craziness of my marriage.  I am a fixer.  It would seem a lovely trait, to want to help others.  It isn't, or at least it isn't in the warped way it has roosted in my life.

I married a man that needed saving.  My soul had a jarring jolt when I realized one of my secret truths was that I married him not out of love but a sense of duty, to save him. I owed him that honesty.  Fuck that, I owed myself that honesty. It has taken a series of events to see that duty,  honor and commitment are poor substitutions for love.

I wrote in an earlier blog, entitled Trouble, about a friend that was too much work.  I love this friend dearly, but she does not love herself and I found it exhausting to fill that hole. This same friend does not love life and she harshly criticizes every conceivable thing.  Actually I have realized I have an abundantly large number of friends that NEED a lot of maintenance.  I have been weaning myself slowly from the drama.   This has been big. I have begun to see that I am lovable without having to be a fixer.

I have also been able to realize that I am a good friend in a pinch.  I am the one who won't say call me if I can do anything.  I am the person who will bring you dinner every week when you didn't ask.   If I know it has been hard, I will call you up and say pick a day and I will plan a treat.  I work on their time schedule.  I don't tell them I was up til two cooking the night before because I heard or knew this particular day or week was kicking their ass. I might not tell them I have been bailing our 3 other people who are in crisis at the same time.  I try to make it look effortless.  I try to do for them without presenting my help in a way that puts them in a position to have to do the old "You shouldn't have".  I pick the things that are not glamorous.  They are the tasks, the grut work, the in the background kind of deeds.  I don't need the glory, but at the same time I have needed the glory I give myself.

So I am trying to look at myself and prune some dead spots.  I can see my fixing is a strength and a weakness. You don't marry a man because he needs to be fixed; it is a poor substitution for love.  If you surround yourself with those in need of repair you can work on them, instead of yourself.  I also know that I good at giving.  I have an ability to see what will help and a delivery which is disarming and does not require the receiver to feel they are really asking for or receiving anything unusual.  Which brings me to this actual song and why it tells my song today.

I have a friend who really never NEEDS me.  She allows me to be gracious in my giving, but I never feel like she is one of the people I carry.  She in turn has carried me.  She was my life raft right after my divorce.  She kept me busy.  She introduced me to Superman.  She reminds me of my sister.  She has the same demeanor as my sister. I find her rational and calm.  I trust her always.  I never question her insight as it will always be well thought out, balanced and the one point of view that I could not find when I was chasing my tail.

 I took to pruning my dead wood and was making some positive steps.  It was a project that would be classified as well underway.  As is always the way in life, just as I was becoming confident in my self improvement regarding this fixing issue, I am needed.  I am trying to bring the good things forward and leave the warped things behind.

And this is where my world and hers collided.  My lovely friend, who is like a sister to me has had so many tough days.  I have watched her navigate major challenges over the last 2 years non-stop.  It has been to the point where you find yourself on the other side of "what else?".  I have learned the hard way that being able to say "what else" is a luxurious place to be.  You know life has been hard when you get to the point where you would never say "What else".  You can only arrive at that destination after you have had a long series of just plain ole bad. One morning you wake up and you realize you don't dare throw your hands in the air and shout to the heavens "WHAT ELSE?".  You get that there are probably still a shit load of buckets of crap that can be flung on you.  My friend quit saying "what else?" like anyone who has taken a multi-destination hike of misfortune. Sometimes in life everything that can go wrong does.

So I spent the evening with my sister-friend.  I planned an outing.  I did the things I am good at.  She did the things she is good at. We talked a bit about what is going on in her life.  We talked about life in general.  We were who we had always been, but I think we were who we will be too.  She is fiercely  private and her current struggle is such a personal private one. She doesn't like to need but I think I heard her agree to allow herself to be needy.  At the same time she has heard my need to be a healthy giver. In a few words she seemed to negotiate a new contract between us.   As usual with her, it was simple and understated.  And as is true to who I am, I saw the complexity in what lies behind what was said.    It wasn't a complexity of negativeness, but a complexity of grace. I say that in a way of generosity of grace towards myself (maybe a future blog will be needed to explain this).

So for now this is the song that tells the story in my life.  My friend who is full of grace has mine.  I don't know what she will need from me but I am confident I can do what she needs me to do.  I am also confident that she can do what I need her to do.  I promise to give in those ways I do it best and she promises to gently guide me when I need to do it in a why that works for her.  I promise to be able to hear her say what the boundaries are and she promises open a gate when the boundary has her blocked from receiving. So me the giver and she, who needs controlled taking, I think agreed without really agreeing to a contract between us.

I don't know where she is going with this current challenge but it looks like we may not be in Kansas any more.  She is standing there waiting to find out if she will need to seek the wizard behind the curtain for some potion like answer.  If she is off to see the wizard I am ready to walk beside her like the scarecrow, the lion and the tin man. She has my knowledge, courage and love. If all is well, I will be the first to help her celebrate. Regardless, in our silences, words and deeds she can lean on me... or  not depending on the way it plays. : )


Lean on me when your not strong.
I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on.
You just call on me sister when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on.

Forever - Ben Harper

"Forever"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHzAVDg4m1Q
I have a big debate going on in my head these days.  I keep going in circles, chasing my tail as I call it.  I get an issue in my mind and I am try to process it. My sister calls it "being stuck in her crawl".  When she has a problem she is quiet.  So I think the 'in her crawl" comment is wonderful.  She has taught me that silence isn't always a cold shoulder, but instead just a processing pause.  I wish she had told me that earlier in my life.  I am a talker, a say what you think, blunt, bossy, foot in their mouth kinda girl.  I don't like that about myself anymore.  It is part of why I am chasing my tail right now.

When you chase your tail there are 2 or 3 threads that just keep weaving in and out of your days.  You pause and think what is that about and then life distracts you and it lays until, with a jarring thud, it lands in your path AGAIN!  So I have had these pieces of vision drop around me. I know I am trying my best not to notice them but .... they are persistent.

So I got this Superman.  Life with him is unusual. I adore him.  I have begun to explore loving him.  And chasing my tail has begun. Why can't I just look at him and say I love you when something has happened between us that is tender, kind, loving, sweet, or just a moment one would consider uttering those words.  I do love him and yet I don't. It confuses me. The threads that inter-twine are bitterness vs. wisdom.  I become both characters in the movie "Out of Africa".  The scene where Meryl Streep and Robert Redford have an intense and some what uncomfortable discussion of each of their views of love.  She asks him to give up something he loves, something that is inherently part of who he is, to please her.  He in returns says his kind of love does not ask for proof or assurance. By the end of the scene it is obvious that two people who really love each other can't give each other their forevers. 

In my relationship with Superman I am both those people.  Half of me is Robert Redford.  I want that love where you are, who you are and yet you co-exist in a harmony of connectedness. I don't want to have to consider that other person when life presents its self. I want to never have to miss a sunset where I am because I have to be with Supe at a planned time. I never want to miss an adventure like Africa because of him.  So far I have had all those things.  It is a beautiful existence and yet I struggle by questioning it. I can't beat down the feeling that this thing, done this way isn't the passionate, consuming, controlling, intensity of the love I have known. So does that mean I am holding back? Bitter? Jaded? Broken? Or, am I solid, confident, happy and Good? 

Then there is the me that is Meryl. She needed promises.  She was willing to stand alone and care for herself if loving him required it.  But in return he would need to pay the penitence that she had prescribed for loving her. She reasoned that loving him made her reconcile her own needs so he would need to do the same as proof of an equal love.  I needed that same thing in the past!  Like Meryl I gave away some things I could not afford to lose. You think if I do this, he will do this.  When he doesn't you doubt his love and lay a brick in the wall.  Did Meryl miss the point and deny herself the thing she always wanted, to be loved for who she was? Or was she right.  This man made no promises of forever.  What if she got sick? Lost the farm? 

So here is the tail chasing. I like the Superman/Robert Redford version of love.  But I have this back music playing.  It is a whole different sound track that will not stay in the background.  That song screams...you are a fool.  This superman kinda love isn't real.  It is a fake empty version of love because it has no passion.  It is I will stay as long as life is rosy and not too demanding, fair weather love. Where does that come from??????  It makes no sense to me, yet it will NOT go away.

Turning back to argue in circles,  that Superman kind of love demands that you bring your best to the table everyday because you haven't committed until death do you part.  Instead you have said I will stand here as long as I, we enjoy standing here.  I will love you until I don't.  That is it...I think that is all we ever promise anyway.  Sure I see people (mostly the young) look at each other with forever glances.  I know that look won't be found on many days on the road ahead.  IS THAT BITTER OR WISE? Come tail, come! 

Well let's keep going....
Forever forever or forever as long as we agree to it?
Free or not loved enough to be held (sometimes too tightly) on to?
Carefully treading forward or not real love cause you can contain it?
Understanding EVERYTHING is temporary anyway or being pessimistic?

Today... I am in Robert Redford point of view.  I am listening to an understanding of great complication to me.  I don't need promises, other than I will give my best until I don't. Superman has my forever. 

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore

I will continue to struggle with why I can't stand up and tell him and the world I can promise I will be there for always.  I can't say I will stay through thick and thin.  I think I can stay for the rough days when life kicks dirt in our faces.  But I can't stay if he kicks dirt in my face.  I don't know if I can live this Robert Redford love that takes no prisoners and extracts no toll.  And yet to me it seems the only way worth doing.  Why promise to love each when later on you won't?  I don't wanna stick around anymore when someone quits loving me.  I am alright with that.  But that runs counter to the twisted view of love I have had.  I thought you stick no matter what.  Quitting is for pussies!

I currently subscribe to the staying-past when-it-is-fun-is-folly group.  But I chase my tail often...am I really just fooling myself that I can believe in a Robert Redford kind of love? Or will I always revert to my Meryl role?  On good days, I see clearly which is pure and which is marred.  On bad days I chase my tail.

So for today, in this moment of quiet on a blissful Saturday morning, Robert Redford is sprawled out in my sitting room floor and I tell him to follow his dreams I will be here.  And in these good moments I see that I can't say I will be right here when he returns (I might be out chasing a sunset of my own), but I will make my way back to him.  We will come back to each other... until we don't.  Isn't that the only forever we really have?  Or is that admitting defeat before you start?  Where is that fucking tail?


Forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end

Fact or fitful thought?

Let Him Fly - Patti Griffith

Let Him Fly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9g5d4bZdmI


This song should have been lying at my feet by some twist of fate when I finally knew it was time to go.  It would be the perfect parting piece.  But that would be back in that place where I was angry.  In that place I would have twisted the shredded slivers of my soul on the song's line ...

"Ain't no talkin to this man, ain't no pretty other side".
 I hated him.  I blamed him for the worse crime of all; He MADE me hate myself.  He told me lies, but I had to tell myself lies to be able to keep standing there.  Don't get me wrong.  He did some really not nice things.  But so did I. 

It wasn't the lies that got us, his or mine.  It was the truths we didn't tell.

He never told me he didn't want to ever marry me until it was done.  He didn't say it as a hateful jab.  Well, yes he did, but it was a truth, not just words meant to hurt.  The second I heard it, I think I knew it was true.  I just couldn't face it until now. More than all the lies he ever told, it was this simple truth that would have saved us from each other.  I want to tell him it was his job as a decent person to tell me that.  AND KEEP TELLING ME UNTIL HE HEARD IT.  It would have been ugly, I expect not too fun.  But I know it would have been okay.

"Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride"
My lie was to us both.  The first time he cheated, it cut me deep. I was young and we were married just about a year.  I moved out for a bit with a girlfriend.  He said all the right things and I went back. It would happen again and again. Somewhere in there fairly early on; I quit loving him. I just couldn't say that.  I didn't want to fail.  It was my pride, I realize now.


You know the light has left his face but you can't recall just where or why
Somewhere in there I quit believing. Somewhere in those infidelities I lost the light in his face.  Yet, I kept on going on like it mattered.  I built reasons in my head why I couldn't quit. I should have been more honest.  I should have told him I lost the light. Instead I blamed him.  I blamed him for what he did (oh and he did), but I also saw grievances where there were none.  I realize now our marriage was over almost before the ink was dry on the marriage certificate.  I am no less guilty, I am just guilty of different crimes.


It would take an acrobat and I already tried all that so

We spent so many years trying to hold on. I want to think it was a noble gesture.  We had some good times, but we had some really bad ones.  He tried for a while and then I would try for a while.  The rough spots came I think when neither of us was pulling for the other.  I think during those times we plodded along for the sake of the kids.  It just got too hard.  We got too tired.  And finally...

It took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go

Still to the end it was a war to see who would hollar uncle.  I ranted and raved I would not do this again with you.  I must have said it 1000 times.  Like in the beginning you didn't tell me you didn't want to marry me.  And in the end you would not tell me you wanted to un-marry me.  So you did it your way.  You strayed.  You were caught. You waited to see if I would do what I said.  I was your russian roulette... and I realized....

Of the choices we are given it's no choice at all
That nothing before me felt like a choice.  I knew in the bottom of my soul...

 I just went and cut right through it
I was never gonna do this again and I knew...

And there ain't no talkin' to this man, he's been tryin' to tell me so
And you wake up and you just know...

But you must always know how long to stay and when to go
I'm gonna let him fly

I'm gonna let him fly, fly, oh

But there is more.  A friend asked the other day about forgiveness. I have made it to forgiveness for these wrongs.  His wrongs.  I have admired that about myself.  I have admired that about him.  Forgiveness allows me to enjoy what I like and admire about my ex now.  He is a kind and loving father.  He is good and kind to me whenever an occasion presents its self.  I see how he seeks to place his new partner on one side and me on the other at family gatherings.  He does that to tell me we, he and I still head our family.  He knows that is important to me. His kindness is not lost on me. I hope that he sees something in my actions that says the same to him.  And so he and I dance in forgiveness. 

We have managed that for 3 years or so now.  It isn't a fluke.

But now as I have found my footing and some direction.  I have been planted in a garden that fulfills me and nurtures me. As Voltaire said, we must tend our garden.  Part of my tending has been to prune myself.  I have looked back and seen my pride and was not pleased.  I have seen the damage of my own lies.  I have seen the truths I didn't say.

But I have also seen, the grace in my forgiveness. By forgiving him, I have no reason to not forgive myself. 

In this story at least...

There's no mercy in a live wire, no rest at all in freedom ... without forgiveness.

 

Walk Away -Ben Harper

Walk Away - Ben Harper
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FSkL9hMhpE


D-Day July 9th 2006



July 9th, 2006 I ended my 30 year stent with a man who said he loved me, but actions speak so much louder than words. This is the story of the end of us and the beginning of me.


Oh no- here comes that sun again.
I went to bed last night with this feeling that something was amiss.  Nothing specific, I just this feeling that you were up to your old tricks again.  I asked you to sleep on the couch.  I was thinking it is coming.  I can't pin point it but I know you are about to pull the rug out from under my feet AGAIN.  I am fairly sure you have already strayed from me, but I have no proof.  I have been telling you for the last 5 years, I will not do this again.  If I ever find out for sure I am done.  I wonder if you have been listening.  I wonder if I have been listening.  I drift off thinking how the fuck did I get here.  How did I come to think this is how I want to live my life.


And (that) means another day without you my friend.
This line I think was where I began to spin my tale, actually it was where I began to chase my tail. I chased my tail in circles for years trying to make sense of it all. I thought I could not leave you.  You were my best friend.  We met when my boyfriend, your best friend committed suicide.  It is hard at 15 to bear that kind of loss.  We clung to each other to survive and somewhere in there you became my best friend. I could tell you how I missed him.  How I felt responsible and how some mornings I wish I wouldn't wake up.  You didn't flinch.  You were the person I could tell it all to.

And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
I heaped every ounce of disappointment on myself.  Blamed, myself.  I couldn't stand the me who let him die.  I hurt to my core. You helped me get through and life went on.  We married; and moved away.  Had children, earned degrees and spent the next 30 years together.

And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.
I couldn't even think about starting over with someone else.  No one else knows what we have been through.  NO one will know that for a year we kept each other alive when we were ready to throw in the towel. No one will remember listening to ELO Telephone and seeing the lights in the sky collide.  No one that would come into my life if I give up on you would know my Mom and Dad who passed years ago when I was still young.  How can anybody new know me without knowing those things?  I think this was the thing I could not get past.  If I leave you, I think I won't really be me!

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.
So, I just kept telling you I WON'T do this again.  I was hoping you were listening.  But the fault wasn't yours.  It was mine.  Why should you believe me?  I have let you pull the rug out over and over.  I have shown you that I don't expect you to handle me with care.  But the thing that was different was that I was listening. We had just returned back from a week of wonderful fun at the beach.  You had flown back and I drove with the kids like I always did.  When I got home, I just knew something wasn't right.  I asked you questions and you told me I was craizy, always making up problems.  I don't need to make up problems...you manage to keep me supplied.  So I fussed and asked you to sleep on the couch and you did. So I got up early the next morning after having driven 1200 miles back from the beach and I walked out to your truck and looked for something...I don't know what.  I had never gone looking in your truck before...but I guess I had beginners luck.  In less than 3 minutes I found a hotel receipt. You stayed in a hotel close to home, while I was gone to Seattle.  I knew I found the proof.  The proof that would lay 5 years of "I won't do this again" on the table.  I woke you up.  I told you we were done and that day I asked you to leave.  More importantly...I NEVER asked you to return.  I faced that I would cut my losses at 30 years.  I would have to get past someone not knowing me like you did.  I accepted that maybe I didn't really need or want someone knowing me the way you did.  You know me as someone who can be walked on, mistreated, lied too.  I knew right then, I never wanted anyone to know me like that ever again!

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
EXACTLY...why worry about one!

But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.
I headed for my door and never looked back.  I didn't look back when I was in Africa all by myself.  I didn't look back when I said hello to a fireman.  AND I NEVER LOOKED BACK WHEN I SAID HELLO TO A SUPERMAN. I found out that if I left you, I could really be me.  The me that is whole.  The me that knows I deserve better.  The me that is happy, just being me.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.


SLAM...  And ....I DIDN'T LET IT HIT ME ON MY WAY OUT!

One of These Days - Neil Young

"One Of These Days"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEANf4u7bzA

One of these days,
I'm gonna sit down
and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
And I'm gonna try
And thank them all
for the good times together.
Though so apart we've grown.


A couple of years after this song came out, my mom died.  When I first heard it I thought; I need to send some letters to some friends of mine.  We were scattered by miles, life phases, family status, significant others we didn't like, kids, no kids, jobs and time.  I knew I needed to set down at some point and write those letters.  It has been 19 years since that song came out and I have yet to write those letters.  But I did end up writing some letters to old friends... and this is the story of how I had a chance to make everything right.

It would be fair to say I was a challenging child, I have always known what I wanted.  Add to that spunk and resourcefulness and you have me.  Doing something wrong was not usually an accident for me.  I knew what the punishment would be and I would just ask myself...worth it? If whatever was in front of me was worth a week with no TV, well then so be it. I think I saw punishments as the cost, my parents saw it as a deterrent.  I guess their plan ran counter-intuitive to mine.  I didn't get that until later.

Through my previous posts, it is easy to see that I am a Daddy's girl more so than my mother's girl, but I incorrectly misjudged my mother. My mother was a plain cook.  She kept a neat home, not a cozy one.  She was sparse with nick knacks and tighter with hugs.  I used to think my mother just didn't love me. She wasn't a hugger, nor a I love you'er.  I never noticed that she was that way with everyone, all I saw was she was not that way with me.  I thought since she didn't do those things she did not love me and I spent most of my life with never seeing or understanding that she said I love you in different ways.

My mother would always drive the truck for Girl Scout paper drives.  That was a 6 hr job, riding slow down the street as we hit house after house asking for newspapers to recycle.  Belknap in Louisville Kentucky paid us $30 a ton I think.  My Mom, made me a beautiful dress for a school function.  She would surprise us sometimes with a small trinket for Valentine's Day or clothes lying out on our bed if she had gone shopping that day.  My Mom loved us, but I just couldn't really see that.

When I was in my early 30's my mom started complaining of her right hip hurting.  That was in September.  In late October she was admitted to the hospital and they found spots on her lung.  She went through about 6 weeks of craiziness (yes miss-spelled, explained in a previous post).  I spent a lot of time with her.  I was a nurse by then.  My kids were young, 10 and 5.  I only worked a day or two a week.  So I spent a lot of time at the hospital.  The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I spent the day with her.  I gave her a bath and changed her sheets.  Mom said something about having not been outside in weeks.  I told her nurse I needed a wheelchair and I took her out.  I pushed her to the corner complete with IV and catherter and it was still a beautiful day.  I pulled her cigarette holder out of my pocket and I watched her smoke her last two cigarettes.  She enjoyed them and I enjoyed seeing her smile in the sun, content.  She had had a very rough day experiencing odd sensations in her arms and legs.  I thought she was just tired of being in the bed.  We didn't know for sure what was wrong with her.  We were told either cancer, infection or blood clots.  Every time they scheduled her for a biopsy, something went wrong, so we just didn't know.  I took my mom back inside and went home to spend the evening with my own family. 

Later that night I got a call from the hospital, my mom was paralyzed.  I rushed to the hospital, my sister was there too.  We stayed all night.  The next day I stayed with my mother.  My sister went to work. My mom made me promise that day that I would not let them put her on a ventilator. They said whatever those spots were; my mom had one on her C3- C2 spine.  If it got bigger, she would not be able to breathe.  She also said she needed to talk to my dad.  They needed to talk about where things were and what needed to be done.  My Mother had said she knew this was the end. My dad made a feeble attempt, but could not have those discussionswith my Mom, or so she said when I came back on Friday.  She had forbid us to come to the hospital on Thanksgivings. So on Friday my mother had me sit down.  I made a list of what needed to be done at home.  I made a list of what she wanted to be laid out in.  What color hair color to buy to dye her hair on Monday.  She told me she wanted her diamond engagement ring to be given to my brother so that he would ask his girlfriend to marry him (and yes they did get married later on).  My mom made me promise to keep my dad busy and to look after him when she was gone.  And then she asked me to do one of the hardest things I have ever done.  My mom asked me to get some paper and to write letters to those she loved.  I wrote to my brother and sister.  I wrote to her friends.  The hardest one was to her youngest sister, Beb.  I will never forget the sound of her voice, Beb,  Ohhhhhhhhhh Beb that letter began.  I still have to this day the paper that I wrote on so quickly to keep up with my mom.  Later I would transcribe those letters on to cards, which I gave to the individuals at her funeral. 

Growing up, I was never the go to kid of the three of us.  I was never the one, who was enough.  I was the one that challenged life on a daily basis.  But in that time of need, my mother pulled me in and said that she needed me to do these things and she knew that I could and would do them.  She also asked me to stay by her side and make sure she got only medication for pain relief and made me promise that when the end came, she would not know she couldn't breathe.  I did all those things.  I stood up and took it.  I stood up and defended her.  I stood up and held my father up.  I stood up and did those things that only a hard-headed willful child could do.  I stood up and would not be moved an inch from what my mother wanted. 

So I have never sent my letters, but I did send my mothers.  My only regret is I did not get that she loved me in her own way until after she was gone.  I don't know now if she asked me because she knew I could do as I was asked, or if she created the one scenario that could let me know she needed me, loved me, wanted me.  For whatever her reasons, I sat down and wrote some long letters, long letters to the ones she had known.
Some are weak, some are strong.

I miss her always.  Even though most of my stories are of my dad, it was my mother that taught me loyalty, resourcefulness, and hard work.  If I had not learned those things from my mother, I would not be able to do the fun things I learned from my Dad.  I wish I could tell my mother Thank you.  I want her to know that her needing me then, made all the things I hadn't done right, right.  My mother made sure I knew I was enough when all was said and done.  I only wish I could have told her that I finally got it...and she was enough too.

One of these days,
I'm gonna sit down
and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
One of these days,
one of these days,
one of these days,
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

Whip My Hair - Katie Gavin

Whip My Hair
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp-wFsrM-Ng

All my Ladies if you feel me
You know blogs are a way to lay out what you are thinking about at that moment, but they aren't who you are.  Wait...that isn't right either.  Okay, this is the story.  I am divorced, but I am not defeated.  Some of my blogs might seem to imply that.  They couldn't be further from the truth.  So here is my whip my hair story. 

I am a daughter of a man who could fix anything.  I am a daughter of a man who would have shown a daughter how to fix the lawn mower if she had shown any interest as well as he would have shown a son.  But I didn't show any interest.  I was a girl and girls didn't fix things.  I did take a semester of auto body.  First girl in the Jefferson County school system to do so I believe.  Well, when the principal explained to my dad why I couldn't take it, they said no girl ever had.  And none did, until me.  Painting cars isn't really mechanical though.  I always felt I had No, none, nada skills of the mechanical kind.

When married, my husband fixed anything that needed to be fixed.  I wished I had told him more that I appreciated it.  I was just happy there was at least one thing that wasn't my job and I let that be his world.  I called all mechanical things, Blue stuff.  Blue as in done by a boy, not mine, no way no how. I never asked questions, I never thought that maybe someday I might need to know how to do simple things.  I took for granted; he would fix all my broken things forever.  He didn't. 

So the day after my divorce, I bought a house.  A little fixer-upper.  My brother came down and spent a week getting things sorted and repaired.  He left me with tools and a good luck hug.  He worked his ass off, but I think he thought he would be fixing things for me for the rest of my life.  My ex lives just down the road and I know he would come if ever I called.  My Superman would help me too, but I will confess he is not the fix it man my ex was.  That is good.  I have grown to like my ex again.  We don't talk too much but whatever we need to say or want to say seems to go well, with kindness.  I like to say, I didn't divorce him, I divorced loving him.  I like him.  That is better.  I also divorced the bad things.  I don't have to wonder if he is telling a lie, or about to turn my world upside down.  Those things are gone between us and I like the healthy place we have landed. Yet, I still don't want him to save me either.  I want to whip my fucking hair.

So I got this house.  I have a garage.  I had some tools I had been collecting for inside the house things.  I had screw drivers, a hammer and a drill.  When my dad died I got the tool box out of his car and I kept those tools.  Wrenches, sockets, pliers, and some things I wasn't sure what they were.  My brother left me some tools when he went back home.  I had power tools, a nail gun, levels, a sawzall.  I had amassed some serious shit.  So I asked my kids to put a tool box on my Christmas list.  I was thinking about the red, $129 one at Lowes.  Instead I got a three piece black Craftsman tool box, complete with drawer liners.  My baby boy bought it.  It was some serious cash.  Did I mention he was a college student?  Anyway, my daddy had a craftsman tool box, red, not black.  We used to sit in front of it on a bar stool while he pulled out our teeth with the same pliers he fixed the lawn mower with.  We begged him to pull them.  We wanted the quarter. Hey, life was less abundant back then.  Anyway, I have this big ass tool box and I put all my tools in there.  I got more than most men.  Well, if they could ever have them all in one place, who knows.  But they are all in there, sorted, aligned, and mine. 

So again I got this house and I got this big ass tool box and well karma kicked a little dirt in my face.  I jerked the hand sprayer on the sink cause it kept hanging on something.  So I jerked it and it came free, and then the door under the sink blew open and sprayed gallons of water a minute on my thighs.  I keep my head up I know I will be fine.  Keep fighting until I get there. When I am down and I feel like giving up I think again... I whip my hair back and forth. 

 And in that moment I had no choice but to do it.  I turned the water off and after a couple of phone calls and a quick read up on how to join PVC pipe, I went to the store and bought what I needed.  I waited for super man to stop by and see if I had figured it out right he said it sounded like I had it.  Secret, with the internet you can fix almost anything,  Anyway I sent superman home and I fixed  what I had broke. He offered to help, but I wanted to do it myself.  I learned a few tricks.  Since then, I have re-plumbed a tub, rebuilt old faucets, fixed several leaks, replaced two outdoor faucets, installed new lighting fixtures, fixed my push mower, figured out that my r-11  resister was blown on my Maytag Neptune and that I would spend more fixing it than a new one cost. 

I never thought I could be this person.  I am so not broken.  I am so not down trodden.  I love this life.  I love every new thing I learn. I am thinking that I can learn enough to live some day in a third world country and take care of things enough to help myself.  It doesn't matter if it's long or short, short or long. Do it do it, whip your hair"

I am in a whip my hair... kinda life...and I like it.   

Trouble - Cat Stevens

TROUBLE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9qkn7OlbM8

I have a friend (I will call them Trouble). I love them dearly but I have to pull back.  Simply put, misery loves company and I didn't sign up for the club.  I've tried to help you.  It is time to help yourself. Godspeed.




Trouble oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much for me
Trouble oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair
I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I have to go there

Trouble oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
And it's too much for me today
Trouble oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I have seen you eyes
And I can see deaths disguise
Hanging on me
Hanging on me
I'm beat I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt now
Won't you leave me in my misery
Trouble oh trouble please be kind
Don't wan't no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time

Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkEeNpWMvgk&amp;feature=related

Put Your Records On...


I remember the days when I had my little case of 45s.  Complete with polka dots on the outside of Turquoise and lime green; my favorite colors to this day.  Watching the video of this song (linked above) I thought back to those times when you would ride your bike around the neighborhood.  Take your 45's to play on that little-record-player-in-a-box that every one owned.  It was the same one you listened to story albums on as a young child.  We were so low tech and sound quality was irrelevant.  If you could sing along, it was the best of times; nothing else mattered.  My sister will deny it, but there were a few Donny Osmond and Jackson Five sing alongs on our front porch. Sometimes with a coke bottle microphone.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

I have a friend in my life that I can say would be the girl I want to go ride bikes with.  We went out recently to get a coffee and a wee bit of shopping. We found ourselves in a shoe store.  I found the cutest little sandals. But the best part of the outing was trying on some super heels.  We are old, well me older than her.  We are good sized women and we were being very casual in our very casual clothes.  My girl Sue decided we would try some on some really high heels.  We paraded and laughed...I almost wet myself (see I am older).  I look up and she is taking pictures.  It was a laugh like riding your bikes at ten and something funny was said.  It was so far away from a need or part of a plan. It was just a moment of pure unadulterated joy.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

These days of 50 seem to make me look back. There is definitely a nostalgia but I realize not in a sad wish-I -were-young-again way.  It is a desire to take stock, to put your ducks in a row.  You realize that life is not limitless and that which is a given today....loving on my dog, Sundays on the couch with D, phone chats with my sister, super heels with S... Those things might someday be a cherished memory.  My girl told me last week I was very philosophical that afternoon.  I realize am on quest.  It is time to figure out what things I want out of this life and go after them. 

So my past and my future are each very present in my today.  For my past, I often wish I could go back and just observe a day in my life to see what I would notice or remember. I can't help but think the most insignificant non-thoughts of the day would unravel me; because now I understand the constants of that life would someday leave me...forever (Albert the Cat, parents, grandparents, marriage, ability to do a cartwheel).

 And yet for my future I have to remember everyday seems mundane at the time you live it, but I need to pay more attention to be in the moment. I have learned to value it all.  I wanna live more days on my bike and just ride and listen to the birds and wonder what I will do until the street lights come on and it is time to go home.  Maybe, stop and put my records on...or play a little hopscotch in super heels with my girl S.

What I do know is ... I am going to figure it out.  I am gonna find myself somewhere (Africa?, Guatemala, Nicaragua?), somehow (service work, living abroad, off the grid?). Those things won't matter, what will matter is I am gonna live my life with my records on and maybe sometimes in super heels!

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.



un·a·dul·ter·at·ed    (n-dlt-rtd) KEY

ADJECTIVE:

1. Not mingled or diluted with extraneous matter; pure

"Put Your Records On"
Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.


Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.


Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely,
Sipping tea in a bar by the roadside,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Got to love that afro hair do.


Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?


Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.


You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.


'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to.


Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.


Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.


Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow